Indulgence

Running on sheer force of will

Voltaire
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

I lost a whole entry. I click on Publish Post and it says something like Error requested URL cannot be found. I tried to refresh or go back to the previous page and found this one but with no words. Everything erased.

I was just talking about how I was running on sheer force of will. For the past two weeks I had been sleeping at the oddest hours and for the oddest amount of time. Certain days would find me sleeping three times in one day but for two hours only. Other days, like last Sunday, would find me sleeping for fifteen hours straight. Normally, if one were to sleep for that long, they would have over-slept and they'd wake up dizzy but I didn't. I woke up fine.

My body needed the rest. Only this week proved to be very demanding. Since waking up yesterday at six in the morning, I have slept a total of one hour. Yesterday also found me working and today directing a shoot. On sheer force of will alone, I find myself with enoguh strength to write here despite how tired and sleepy I am and despite how pissed I am that the original entry I wrote just disappeared on me.

Because of my strange sleeping habits, my sense of time is totally destroyed. I am usually awake for two days straight then sleeping at the oddest hours and waking up to the moon light. I get hungry outside regular meal hours and when I step out of the office to smoke, I am bathed in sunlight rather than moonlight, as I had originally thought.

I walk this Earth not really knowing what day it is. They all just seem to merge and it looks like it will be continuing to do so for some time. My work schedule ain't going to lighten up anytime soon.

So by sheer force of will I keep myself awake to continue with this entry. Thank God for work. It gives me the will to push on and try and make something of myself. Thanks to my friends who are without a doubt, one of the best bunch of guys and gals anyone could ask for. Especially the three I haven't seen in a long time who went to my impromptu party. It was so last minute and still you came. That's really, really sweet of you. Thank you.

The love and tenderness I receive from my friends truly inspire me. It made last night totally worthwhile despite the fact I was panicking because I wanted to get here earlier to finish all my work. But despite that little detail, I'm glad I spent the time with you. It was truly precious and will not be so easily forgotten.

My eyes are starting to drop but I've been keeping it up and not feeling any pangs of exhaustion during the shoot (thank God!) but I do feel it now. My body knows. It is much smarter than I am... It knows I don't have work that's pressing; a little trip to the couch and sleeping there would be ideal.

Mind over matter? I wish but my body needs this. I need to sleep. I'm very sleepy and tired and exhausted...

posted by wanggo @ 9:50 PM