Indulgence

The weight of friendships

Dostoyevsky
The awful thing is that beauty is mysterious as well as terrible. God and the devil are fighting there and the battlefield is the heart of man.

In my four or five years of going out during weekend nights (and even weekday nights, who am I kidding?) and meeting people and forming fast friendships have led me to look back in it with a larger view. I learned a lot about how to categorize people and put everything, even relationships into proper perspectives.

There is a big deal of affection that we give to the people we hang out with every time we go out. They are the people we always share a laugh with, they are the ones who sees us drunk and stupid, or even worse, high and reckless. We see them twice, thrice even four times a week but, at the end of the day, I've always asked myself, how can I consider this person a good friend? Do I know what his/her parents do for a living? What province does he/she hail from? Do I know what was the reason they cried for the first time in their lives? Do I know any of these things?

Sure, I know their favourite drink, who they are going out with and what they are looking for in a partner. I know if they have strict parents or if their parents don't care, I know what school they went to and what course they took. It's all part and parcel of the small talk that comes with it. But at the end of the day, some of these people, I've never seen in house clothes. Some of these people, I don't see in the light of day. And when I do, it's for short periods of time and always talking about what happened the night we saw each other last or the night that's going to be.

It's all laughter and fun but it feels hollow.

I always make it a point to know these things -- when did they start smoking, what their parents do, how many siblings they have, what province they hail from. Sometimes, given only 2 hours with a friend of a friend that I just met, I discovered some things about that person my friend, the one who introduced us, didn't even know yet. I want to try and make every friendship as meaningful as possible. Because friendship is a very heavy word. If thrown into the sea, the word would sink down into the depths. It wouldn't float because it means so much.

I'm not the sentimental type. At one point, once I realise that certain people will just be hanging out friends; that they are not the sort of people who I can sit for hours in a coffee shop and talk about nothing or everything or something, then I let go a little. Of course, I have affection for them and when I see them, the laughter and smiles and hellos are sincere but I know that it ends there. If it never occurs to me to call them when a problem arises, I know how close we are to each other.

Friendships are very important. I can spend days and days with them, if given the opportunity (and I have) and I've seen their worse sides. I've spoken to my friends about philosophy, the way life and love works, history, psychology, literature and art. We've spent hours talking about nothing -- how fascinated we are with spices, how we like the sound of high heels on wooden floors, would you go and be one of the first colonizers of Mars given the chance, etc. We've spent hours talking about everything -- what it would be like traveling in Rome, the state of the Philippine film industry, how do you see yourself in the next 10 years, etc. And we've talking about things -- why so-and-so doesn't easily get into relationships, whether it was right for so-and-so to get together with so-and-so, if so-and-so is drinking too much and whether we should interfere or leave it alone, etc.

These are people who make fun of me for my weaknesses and my faults and I don't mind and people who I can sit down in front and tell him or her that I think what he or she is doing is wrong. There is just so much time and effort given.

Anything worth its weight in gold needs effort.

But then again, there are people whom I haven't seen and spoken to in such a long time but the feelings have never changed. And there are people who I see very often but really know nothing about except what's on the surface.

I was talking to a friend, Jayce, and we were talking about friends; how easily some people have bestowed that position to others all because they hang out often and share the same interests on a surface level. Sometimes, these friendships, created through the enjoyment of a night out, alcohol and even drugs, are also the kinds of friendships were people talk bad about each other behind their backs and even make fun of each other when the other is not around. It has no solid basis of going through the harsh realities of life. The world of their friendships are based on their lives when experiencing pleasure. But they've never really experienced each other during times of harsh reality.

It's almost like an illusion that you know about but are afraid to deny because it is so ideal.

I guess it is why I deleted all my on-line friend community accounts. I want to stop all this intimacies with people I've never met. I will admit, I've made some great friends out there, amazing and extraordinary people. We've shared a lot and have talked about nothing, everything and something but how strange to have never met them.

I want my life with as little complications for the moment as possible.

So I make clear distinctions with people. There are friends, there are people I hang out with and there are people I know. We shouldn't blur the lines between these three lose categories of people. It will save us from a lot of disappointment in the future...

posted by wanggo @ 3:25 PM