Indulgence

Complicated

Aimee Mann from Mr. Harris
I'm happy with whatever time we get
Depending on which book you read
Sometimes it takes a lifetime to get what you need

I sort of almost came back to where I started from early this year but, miracles of miracles, it just didn't find its way to the old starting point. Something floundered and ended it in the most humorous way. It is something that wasn't expected. Surprise! You ain't going full circle. And I'm kind of happy for that. Let's just say, someone jumped the gun too soon for it to have gotten to a point that I may have to regret later on.

At least I can say that I was pleasantly surprised, if not, a little disappointed.

If not for the unexpected, I may have found myself in another state of Oh my God, Wanggo, what are you doing? monologue and self-mutilation (in a sick, psychological way) over the things I can't seem to control. All of a sudden, I'm wondering if I should switch to the other side of the pendulum and wonder if it was a sign and that the universe really doesn't want me to go back there.

But then again, there are logical explanations and I did hear them and they make perfect sense, so it was all just coincidence and chance and whatever else we can attribute it to. But I can't help feel like I was saved by some outside force. All I know is that there are no regrets and just a smile on my face and a new story to tell, if ever I decide to tell it.

Awhile ago, during a conversation, I mentioned that I was complicated. Despite my wish to never have to lie and to try to keep my life as simple as possible, I can easily admit that I'm complicated and leave it as a good enough excuse for acting the way that I do. I shouldn't be happy with that, now, should I? It's almost like a double standard yet it isn't because it's about who I am and what I do.

Can we separate the two so neatly and say that I'm a complicated person but I try my best to be simple in action and in lifestyle? Shouldn't one necessarily follow the other?

I don't know. I guess I must be over-analyzing what happened (or almost happened) a while ago and I'm hoping for some level of clarity. But none will come. I am just going to be thinking about this again and again and again and no answer will come.

The truth is, we have to make the answer. We choose it for ourselves.

So here I am again, at the office, really early morning and wonder when things are going to change... It's all the same. I don't know if that has anything to do with the moment of weakness a while ago. I don't even want to call it that. It makes it sound less... I don't know, trying to make it sound like I didn't know what I was doing or I had no control over what was happening when I did know exactly what was going on. I could've done something.

But that is what it was, a moment of weakness, of giving up, almost losing conviction and strength. Thank God I was saved; spared the emotional agony of having to over-analyze a rather simple situation.

I wonder what happens now...

posted by wanggo @ 4:04 AM