Indulgence

burn out

A.L. Kitselman
The words "I am" are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you.

I am tired. If what is written above is true (and it certainly does sound true), it can claim me all it wants but I'm tired. Once again my sleeping habits have been disrupted. I can't sleep properly and I can't wake up to my phone or to anyone, for that matter. My head is in several places at the same time, I can't seem to focus. This is disastrous.

After my sickness the other week (or was that 2 weeks ago?) I got back to the office with several procedures changed and they've raised the standard of our production. I was taken off guard. I shouldn't have been but I was. All of a sudden, things that were just so-so would not be tolerated and everything had to be taken to the next level, to a dimension, practically and I was just shocked.

So I had one segment which I had prepared in the "old way" and a shoot that was coming up which I had prepared for in the "old way" and all of a sudden, all these demands had to be met and I was just shocked. I was so out of it during my sickness that I never saw it. The signs were all there but it didn't register. Things were changing around me and I didn't notice it.

This one long disclaimer before I announce to the world that I royally screwed up both the segment for editing/airing and the segment for shoot. If it wasn't for the amazing capacity for saving butts that the rest of the TXTube team have I would've really fucked up 2 episodes. Lucky for me, they wouldn't hear of it and they saved the day.

I hate this feeling -- this feeling of being incompetent or, worse than incompetent is mediocre. I don't know why it is worse but I just feel that it is. I guess if one was incompetent, you should feel sorry for him. But if one was mediocre, it would be even more pathetic. I don't know... I don't ever want to be thought of as either and that's how I felt. And these past 2 or 3 days, I feel like I added extra weight to everybody's usual daily tasks and that feels really bad.

But I've been watching everyone work and I've been taking down notes and I won't let that happen again. They're raising the standards of TXTube? Good. I'm raising my standards for myself.

I maybe out of steam but the engine is still running and is good for a couple of thousands of miles to go. I'm going to catch up and this will be my last fuck up. I don't ever want to do that kind of mistake again.

My tail is in between my legs right now. But I'm glad my team won't bring me down. They know I know I did wrong (or I hope they know) and they'll let me fix it up. I got my beating already. They're not the type to rag on you, thank God!

I consider myself very, very lucky.

posted by wanggo @ 8:26 PM