Indulgence

in need of fuel in the fire

Janet Jackson from Free Xone (written by Janet Jackson, Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis)
Love your sister, love your brother
Love yourself
Remember: One rule, no rules
Free Xone

In my many seasons of various emotions, this time I'm in a down-slump. Once again, I'm not in a good place. It's getting rather sickening, if you ask me. Sometimes, I enter into these moods where I am just beating myself over the head for no reason. Everything is fine but I just can't seem to perk up.

Of course, this is not one of those moments. For the past week, I've been desperately trying to catch up since I've been out of commission from that mutant flu. A lot of things changed around me and I wasn't prepared for it. I feel lost now. I screwed up a lot and it takes a lot of pride swallowing to come to meetings. I hate that feeling.

And then, yesterday, after a particularly hard day and realisations that I wasn't meeting standards, I get a text from my Father saying that, once again, our script has been put on hold. He says the movie will push through, he has no doubt about it. But I'm not all that excited over that prospect. This will mark the 6th script/story/movie that we were suppose to work together that has yet to come to fruition. I don't believe in things that were meant to be or not meant to be but I'm beginning to think twice about that now. Maybe I was never meant to work with my Dad. *sigh*

No, I didn't need to hear that right now.

Work continues to pile up and these are the days I wish I could just lie down at home and just stay away from the world, hide away until I feel better about myself. But that isn't the most mature thing in the world and nobody gets to have that privilege. We suck in our gut and pick up the pieces that have shattered and move on. We gotta get our act together whether we want to or not. This is one of the reasons why I was never really good at team sports. When I'm cause I fault or a mistake and my team loses a point, I beat myself up about it that it makes me play worse. Maybe I am not a team player like I thought I was. What a horrible thing to realise!!!

Funny how all this seems to come together now that the office decided to celebrate our losing the basketball and volleyball tournament. The office bought a lot of food and decided to give a little celebration to celebrate our non-victory. It's rather sweet -- we applaud our efforts despite not having won. It kind of emphasizes the idea that it isn't winning that is important but the effort.

I wish I could enjoy it as well as the others. But I'm no happy camper. Not right now. I gotta find myself a reason to just be; to perk up, to become more alive, to find some reason for being dedicated all over again. I need fuel in the fire. I gotta to be able to turn this frown, up side down!

This sucks, this really does. I hope I get out of this soon. Even I'm getting sick of myself...

posted by wanggo @ 11:20 PM