Indulgence

excerpts of a chat on virtual space

Mark Doty from Atlantis
...lucky we don't have to know
what something is in order to hold it.

My friend Morx and I were chatting. And I found myself completely in tune to the things we were talking about. So I'm putting it here, for posterity.

We first started talking about a chill out album I had made for a group of friends. Some songs that clearly marked a definite point in our lives 2 years back. The ones that still stand out, according to Morx were Tanita Tikaram's You Light Up the World and Soon, Love, Soon by Vienna Teng. We remembered that time and I said those were fun times, huh? And he agreed. We thought about those moments and ended up talking about someone.

morx: There's one broken boy, if I ever saw one...
wanggo: i know...
wanggo: and 1 broken girl who's trying really hard to pick up the pieces...
morx: detritus of mistaken love
wanggo: and the trail of broken hearts he left...
morx: It has always been a wonderment for me: that to love is so easy and yet there are hordes of people who do it all wrong
wanggo: let it be said: people want love but only in a particular way... they don't let it come freely... it has to be on their terms; that's why it always fails
wanggo: love meets no one's demands...
morx: Interestingly, I never demanded for anything. Nothing. I was mostly happy to be in it. Weird noh?
morx: Ay! What a sucker!
wanggo: well, let is not be said that you didn't know how to love
wanggo: when i was in love with (name withheld), i never demanded either...
wanggo: let it not be said that i did not know how to love...
wanggo: but loved too much and not too wisely, i suppose...
morx: I think "too much" and "not too wisely" is just enough.
morx: it's the only way to go, i think, or else, what for?
wanggo: yeah... what for?
morx: There's no such thing as half-a-love, because half-a-love is not love.
wanggo: exactly!
morx: Love is the willingness to be pained.
wanggo: love isn't safe... love isn't suppose to be clean and neat
wanggo: i'm not saying love should be messy... but isn't it?
wanggo: when one is so vulnerable? things begin to spill over?
morx: Messy because it's the dissolution of a self to accommodate another...
wanggo: that's nice...

We then ended up talking about someone else and how my feelings have destroyed the friendship; how I came on too strong to that person. Morx, in the past, has been very instrumental in keeping me in line when I have started making things complicated in my life because of how I chose to act in regards to my feelings. Surprisingly, this was his response and it led us to a deeper discussion on what we want from the world.

morx: My former self would have blamed you for that.
morx: But my current self says that's how you are, so you can't be blamed.
wanggo: yeah... i've received tons of verbal beatings from your former self
wanggo: in hindsight, i think they were all deserved beatings
wanggo: it's just that i believe that love should hit us like an 18 wheeler truck going at full speed...
wanggo: it takes no prisoners, it has no mercy
morx: My concept of love is of slow burning, of kindled fire. Then, complete consumption.
morx: That's why I have time to consider.
wanggo: mine is like lightning -- striking when you least expect it; striking suddenly, without warning...
wanggo: it takes its time choosing carefully who its victims are
wanggo: it watches in the sky, observing, looking deeply into each one
wanggo: and then BAM!!!
wanggo: by the way, i'm thinking of putting this conversation up on my blog, okay?
wanggo: hope that is okay with you?
morx: Sure, no problem.
wanggo: i won't put people's names, no worries...
wanggo: i just like the way we are defining what love should be...
morx: Which is, to summarize, total, complete, utter.
wanggo: utter... it's complete consummation
wanggo: it should force you to surrender
morx: a succumbing fully to the heart
morx: yes
wanggo: do you think that that is the reason why we have been single for so long?
morx: Aside from the fact that most of the choices are... substandard? Yes.
wanggo: but that is what i meant...
wanggo: because the choices are substandard, there doesn't seem to be any reason to surrender yourself to the fire? to the lightning strikes?
morx: yes yes
morx: I wish things were easier though
morx: I really do...
wanggo: we are looking for something, it seems, that is not easily found here in this country...
morx: I'm willing to go for simple folks naman actually
wanggo: I can't... they have to be as ambitious and passionate as i...
wanggo: people who are simple, i can tolerate as friends...
wanggo: but i need, for a lover, someone who can match my ambition...
wanggo: they have to stand side-by-side with me
morx: Oh Lord, are there people like that?
morx: anymore?
wanggo: 8 billion people in the world, Morx... i doubt that we are alone in that category
morx: So you would consider foreigners?
wanggo: i'd have to now, right?
wanggo: but i'm not giving up hope...
morx: Me neither

We won't give up, I suppose to find that fire which could match us in intensity, brightness and heat. Why should we? We do all that we can to make ourselves better. Can't we demand for that same thing?

This is why I like talking to Morx. I'm forced to express myself in the best of my ability. His ability to comprehend is such that I do not need to speak plainly because he understands. He cuts clear into words and understands fully what I'm trying to say; so instead, I decide to match him in eloquence and grace of thought. He forces me to be more eloquent. He challenges my brain and my ability to create a metaphor -- to see this world as one.

I'm glad for conversations like this.

posted by wanggo @ 10:29 PM