Indulgence

the many steps forward

Ayn Rand from Atlast Shrugged
Her work was all she had or wanted. But there were times, like tonight, when she felt that sudden, peculiar emptiness, which was not emptiness, but silence, not despair, but immobility, as if nothing within her were destroyed, but everything stood still. Then she felt the wish to find a moment's joy outside, the wish to be held as a passive spectator by some work or sight of greatness. Not to make it, she thought, but to accept; not to begin, but to respond; not to create, but to admire. I need it to let me go on, she thought, because joy is one's fuel.

Reading more and more of Atlas Shrugged. It's a whole lot better than lying in my bed, in the dark, waiting for sleep to hit me. At least now, the book is moving faster. Rand is a little too verbose for me -- pages and pages of an emotion. I can understand now why my Dad doesn't like her. Her book almost reads like propaganda. There is a message she wants to share with us but she lays it on too thick. I'm sorry, but I'm not light-weight. I'm not what she calls a looter in her book. I get what she says through her story; not her over-expressed way of writing. But I'm driven by her characters -- Dagny Taggart, Hank Rearden, Francisco D'Anconia. I love these people who are not moved by what people want from them but they are moved by their own passions. These are things that I believe in. People will benefit from my dedication to what I am passionate about; not by what I choose to give them as acts of charity, no, but by the products of things that I make for myself.

So, yeah, the book moves me to think about one's dreams and ambitions and how it should always constantly be making them move forward. The book is showing me a glimpse of the world, as I perceive it, and showing me some new ways of looking at things. I'm not saying I'm moving towards Objectivism; at this point, I still don't know exactly what it means and what it stands for. I'm just saying that I'm just looking at things differently. If anything, I'm sure that is what Berna wanted me to do, to look at the world with a different set of standards; even for just a while.

I end up thinking about how ambitious and driven I can be sometimes. I have often told people that one of the reasons why I have stayed single is because I need to be with someone as driven and as ambitious as I am. Someone who is simple and laid back about goals and desires and dreams would only be left behind as I continue to take as many steps forward, closer to my ambitions as I can. If they end up lagging behind, I might just leave them there. I need someone who can walk beside me through our respective journeys, step-by-step.

I was asked by someone recently whether it wasn't a better idea for me to find/look for someone who was my opposite -- that maybe I could benefit from someone who sees the world in a different light. I admit that sometimes, that works. It is my particular opinion that I believe that my parents are very different people, almost polar opposites but they've used that to their advantage in their relationship. As the cliche may go, they complimented each other, and filled out the missing parts of each other. It could work. But not with my personality. I can be very demanding. I need someone to match me, not be afraid of me, stand up to me.

Like I said, as much as I admire and sometimes envy a person who wants a simple life; I have a very hard time finding much respect for them. I understand their need for less complications and that happiness can be found in the little things and that can sustain a person. But I grew up, somehow, always searching for greatness and always seeing the greatness in others. I seem to have this ability to see the potentials in people (which is why I like people, in general and as individuals) and I am attracted to it. I see it in myself and am constantly doing whatever I can to realise it; to bring it to the fore. I'm always pushing myself and I find a person who is constantly pushing himself/herself to the limits of their ability an amazing person. I'm attracted to this kind of character. But once I see that someone has all this potential and is just happy to sit around and go through the day to day without any real goal; I tend to be turned off immediately.

Let me just state that there is nothing wrong with wanting a simple life and there is nothing wrong with being ordinary (if that is the choice); it's just not for me. And so I see it, in a way, as something not for my partner.

I look at myself and I have this delusion of grandeur and I want to do everything I can to achieve it. In a way, I think we all have that potential and it is ours to achieve if we can just keep pushing ourselves and not giving up.

I guess that is why despite the long-winded way of writing that Ayn Rand has, I won't put the book down and shove it aside for another work. I am attracted to the characters of Dagny Taggart, Wyatt Ellis, Eddie Willers and the rest of these great people not because of any extraordinary gift (in my opinion) but because of their desire and passion to do something good and to do what they want to do well.

In a way, that's what I believe in.

Ayn Rand from Atlas Shrugged
She had always been -- she closed her eyes with a faint smile of amusement and pain -- the motive power of her own happiness. For once, she wanted to feel herself carried by the power of someone else's achievement. As men on a dark prairie liked to see the lighted windows of a train going past, her achievement, the sight of power and purpose that gave them reassurance in the midst of empty miles and night -- so she wanted to feel it for a moment, a brief greeting, a single glimpse, just to wave her arm and say: "Someone is going somewhere..."

And so while it may seem like a strange concept, yes, I can enjoy the achievements of others and be happy for others. Sometimes, as a part of my act, I like to play the glory hound, a person who is always after the spotlight. Yes, that is how I am, in person, but I'm not a 2-dimensional character. Once in a while, it is great to bask in the glory of someone else's achievements. It's great to surround yourself with succesful people and be awed and inspired.

Unlike the reality of the world of Atlast Shrugged where man, as a majority, began to no longer aspire; there are still so many great men and women in this world and it's great to get to surround yourself in their awe. I can't believe that I couldn't go to see Neil Gaiman while he was here. And do so enjoyed reading Neverwhere, American Gods and his Sandman series. For the Pink Film Festival, I heard that Ian McKellen was here to receive an award. It would have been great to see him and talk with him. A distinguished gentleman of his talent, stature and everything that he has accomplished... Wow!

And there are times when I just want to surround myself with people like me, still struggling to achieve the level of success that we always wanted. To know that you aren't the only one in the game and that you aren't the only one in the struggle.

To love something so much that your whole body resounds and moves in accordance to it. I wonder why I am like this? I don't think my parents raised me any differently from my siblings and yet I seem to be the only one who is striving for such heights. Or maybe I'm the only one who is very vocal about it. I wonder, does that make ambition an inherent trait rather than one that is picked up?

And if it were, does that mean I will always, constantly fight for that level of success until I die? That I will really never slow down, no matter what it costs?

I just know, deep down inside, with 8 billion people in the world, it can't be lonely at the top. The top is big enough for everyone who wants to be up there and works doubly hard to get there. No, I don't think it would be lonely at all...

posted by wanggo @ 6:05 PM