Indulgence

fetal position

Pascal
The heart has its reasons that the reason does not know.

I cannot sleep on my back. I'm not one of those people who sleeps on their backs with their arms resting comfortably on their sides or flung about carelessly all over the bed. I read somewhere that someone who sleeps on their backs with their arms and legs in any comfortable position is someone who has very little insecurities. People who sleep on their sides, arms and legs tucked inwards -- the fetal position; have longings to be safe, longings to be back in the womb to be protected, to be safe.

I cannot sleep on my back. In a matter of seconds, I shift position to find myself on my side, arms desperately grabbing something to hold on to (which is why I need two pillows when I sleep, one for my head and one to hug). I don't know if that means I don't feel safe or protected. I don't know if that means I have insecurities that I'm not aware of. I don't know if that means I'm longing to have someone to hold to at night. But I know it means something.

Last night, in fits of waking and slumber, I would change my position in a violent sudden shift. From sleeping on my right side, holding on to a pillow, I would violently jerk to the opposite side, letting go of one pillow and then grabbing another one. Sometimes, I'd sleep on my front, my arms crossed around my chest and in a matter of minutes, the blood would stop flowing into my arms and they'd go numb. After a couple of minutes, I'd shift violently into another position. I would actually waken and then, knowing I was in a different position, I'd go back to sleep. I wonder if my fever had anything to do with that.

I have no memory of waking up on my back. I always wake up with my body facing one side, and either an arm or a leg had gone numb. And if that means I'm suffering from bouts of insecurity, maybe I should look into these things deeper.

Or maybe, I should just leave it as it is. It won't kill me anyway. And I'm asleep; what does it really matter?

posted by wanggo @ 6:56 PM