Indulgence

I've danced with the sun

Philip Pullman from The Golden Compass (His Dark Materials Book I)
"I wish..." she said, and stopped. There was nothing that could be gained by wishing for it. A final deep shaky breath, and she was ready to go on.

In but a matter of days of putting up short-term goals for myself, I find that it gets easier to do. When you put a deadline to things that you really want to accomplish, somehow, you get it done. And why not? Who else in this world do you want to please most but yourself?

I finished my first book -- The Golden Compass and I'll be reading the 2nd book from the His Dark Materials trilogy later on in the day. I'll get some sleep first since I was up all night doing all sorts of things. One of them was finishing the book; I also was in the comfort of being around family. It's how Sunday has become so much more important to me. It was something I couldn't truly appreciate as a child but I'm beginning to warm up to now that I'm older; and hopefully, wiser.

1 book down, 9 to go. But then again, 10 books in 3 months is not really that difficult for me. I just really have to set my mind up to it and the moment my eyes set on a page of well-written book, that's it. I'm gone. My whole being is in that book and I'm alone in that world.

And today, during zips class, as I struggled on my first real waterloo -- apparently I had been doing my downward weave all wrong and, without realising it, had been doing the upward weave instead struggled for almost 40 minutes forcing my body to get it right. Paulino, my zips mentor, was laughing because he could see the difficulty in my face as my whole body would tense, trying to get my body to move against its natural reflex. I had grown accustommed to tucking my arms in after my first beat in the weave and would change to an upward weave, which is a move I find more natural, more flowing. I had to resist the urge to do so all-through out the lesson and was mainly focused on that.

After the class, there was a request for Paulino to dance with fire and he agreed. When he brought out his fire zips, I saw three different kinds of fire zips -- based on size (the larger the zip, the more kerosene it could hold, thus lengthening the lifespan of the fire). He began to soak the smallest ones and I borrowed the middle sized ones so that I can get try to see the movement with the chain and the weight. After Paulino had performed and our friend Paolo did so as well, they told me I should try it out. I was frightened and my heart was pumping loud and fast. I was all so eager yet also afraid. What if I burned?

But I was urged on and it needed not much of it and next thing I knew, the zips were in my hands and it was lit and I had begun to spin them. Keep it on your side first and just swing them until you're comfortable and then try a maneuvre Paulino had called out to me but after 3 swings, I had measured out the heat and the weight and begun to do the movements I've been practising at home. After a while, you drown out from the crowd as you take in the sound of the flame in the air. It was a low rumble or maybe more like steady breath. I can't describe it as of yet, but it's there, right at your ears and the heat and the light is around you and I now know what it feels like to dance with the sun. As I said in a previous post, we don't always revolve around it, if we want it to, bad enough, you can make it revolve around you.

That's what I did. Simple maneuvres, nothing quite as beautiful or as adept as Paulino and Paolo but I wasn't afraid and I was ready. I just need to know more moves. I'll be ready to dance with fire before the year ends.

I'm wondering, as well, if this is already an accomplishment of one of my short-term goals -- to dance with fire. It can be; since that's what I did. But I want more. I want it to be more. I can't wait.

Saturday found me meeting up with my good friends Tesa and Jun. They are people I've met at Sanctum when I used to go and had kept them as much as I could. Jun is a friend of the family and I had discovered this during my many visits to Triccia David's Spoken Word at Malate before and we had become fast friends. Tesa I met once but loved her dearly and immediately. I got her number on that night and had tried to keep in touch as much as I could.

If you believe in Astrology, Tesa and I share the same sign and that might account for the reason why I feel she understands me and vice-versa. She tells me things and she doesn't need to expound or justify. I feel that way as well. And I feel that she understands me. And I am at awe of her and Jun -- people who are extremely comfortable in their own skins and they stand their ground in regard to the people that they've made themselves to be. And I want to take particular notice to that statement -- the people that they've made themselves to be and not the people they chose to be or the people they they are supposed to be. There is a deliberateness to their character and to just say chose would mean that they are still in the process of giving it meaning but when I say made they have chosen and they have realised it. And I am so comfortable in that kind of crowd. I admire that strength of character.

Later on, we were joined by their friends Adi, Kiko and Gian and we had a blast at Greenbelt and the Fort. I played the boat without a sail or a paddle; where the current led, I floated with it. I was at their mercy and I was not frightened. I had a blast, surprisingly, since I did not dance and I drank too much (but was very glad to have kept my wits about me, despite the fact that I almost vommitted but was able to contain myself).

We toasted to not apologising for who we are. And I beamed at that. I like that. We make no apologies whatsoever for who we are as people. Take me as I am or don't call me friend. There's nothing wrong with that. And I like who I am; or who I am turning out to be.

Tesa and I spoke a lot and as I was telling her my many anxieties, she went straight to the core and said that I was in the process of weeding. I was taking away all the things unnecessary to me and holding on to those that are. And I love it. It's a great word and I didn't even think that there was a word for it but there it is and it's so perfect. I'm weeding and slowly coming in to terms to what I've become and what that really entails.

So I am happy right now. Another fantastic weekend behind me and who can say that it wasn't. It will be a tough week filled with much work but who cares? I can hack it. I've become quite adept at making my weekends fabulous and in time, will learn to make my weekdays just the same.

posted by wanggo @ 4:38 AM