Indulgence

Getting By and Surviving with a Smile

Umberto Eco from The Brotherhood of the Rose
The only evidence I see of the Antichrist here is everyone's desire to see him at work.

Lately, it has been easier to smile. It has been easier to smile, lately and I'm very happy for that. It has been easier to tell a joke and it has been easier to make fun of myself and get people to laugh. Lately, it has been easier to be around people, people I don't know -- strangers and new acquaintances because I'm happier now; I'm more in control of my feelings. It's not running away with me, it's not taking control -- my emotions. Well, I suppose it is, it's just that this time, I don't mind because these emotions are positive and perky and happy in nature.

Life's been looking pretty again, lately. Work is coming my way and while I haven't paid off all my debts yet, I haven't been borrowing anymore just to survive the day-to-day. And I can see the money that is coming that will help me pay off large chunks out of my debts. So, yeah, things are looking up. Yeah, things are beginning to pick up and while I won't be swimming in cash like I used to in 2004; at least I won't be begging in the streets.

But it is so gross to talk about money. What happened to my class? My upbringing? My sophistication? Down the drain it went, along with my dignity! My fault for having to decide that I want to live my life in the open -- not hiding anything. Well, it has been on my mind a lot -- money. So there you go, no class, no breeding, no sophistication. Stab me with a dirty bolo, why don't you?

There's someone who's got me smiling for a different reason and I'll be meeting up with this person come the weekend. I'm both nervous and excited. Susan Miller at Astrologyzone said that this is the month that love will begin to bloom for me. The past 2 years have been impossible to start a lasting, romantic, happy relationship, or so she says. But the universe is now more open to the idea of letting me have some fun on that department -- something real, something romantic, something that will really make my heart pump blood faster. Well, I really do hope so. No matter how many times I've said that I don't want a relationship right now, I know I am ready for one. But relationship! Shit! I'm getting way ahead of myself here... Let's just survive the first date. Then we'll see. Take it slow, do this right and let everything fall in their proper place.

And then work is going to be swell, she said and I can already see it. I've got to get everything on paper before June 19 and then I can let go a bit, work with a little less effort; be a little more lax. I've been throwing myself at the whole proposal portion of the project; once it gets signed, I can take my time to perfect the project and make it better. No need to be rushing all the time, to be rushing like a chicken without a head.

It would be nice to disappear and just find myself in some hammock, hearing the sound of the surf right beside me, fanned by a sea wind and a cold drink in my hand and nothing in mind... absolutely nothing at all.

posted by wanggo @ 3:14 AM