Indulgence

Departures

Max Sharam, from Can I Catch Fire
Can I keep your fire burning
with the spark in my eye?
Can I leave even once without saying goodbye?

As of this moment, my closest of friends are on a boat heading down to Boracay, probably one of the 10 most beautiful beaches in the world. They are off to a white sand paradise, cool breezes, azure waters and nights of music, dancing and wild abandon.

They offered to loan me the money so that I could go there and be with them but I politely declined. As much as I need a break, as much as a day in the beach would revive some sense of me, as much as I want to be with my friends, this is not a time to be so loose with money. We have to be practical and my friends and I are not the richest of people. It will be beyond our capacity to even spend extra for me. They should enjoy themselves, to the best of their ability.

And how can I enjoy knowing that there are bills to be paid and debts to be honoured right after? How can I enjoy knowing that my friends are scrimping on expenses because extra money was released to accommodate me? These things will be in the back of my head the whole time. I don't want to be ungrateful, but I can't go in these circumstances.

I've lived that sort of life before. For 2 and a half years, I was a struggling writer, trying to get writing jobs and I ended up only writing regularly for 1 or 2 magazines. I was only making enough to pay for my cigarettes and my cell phone bills. My group of friends at the time, wonderful sweethearts that they are, always invited me out. I told them, guys, I can't go out, I don't have cash and they always say Wangs, we want you to be with us, let's go. So, I would borrow the car from my Mom, pick my friends up and then have a night out in the town. They'd pay for gas, parking, drinks and entrance for me. We did this from Wednesday night to Saturday night; 4 times a week for almost 2 years. It was great. I never missed out on any of the fun. But it does something to your ego.

Again, I don't want to be ungrateful, but it kind of destroyed my pride, in the long run. There is nothing like being able to carry your own weight and I don't think you should force the issue with someone who wants to pay for their own way. The offer is good and sweet and all, but if the person is not comfortable with it; then leave it at that. I know what that person feels like. It's a thorn on my side for quite a long time now -- that memory that I was dragged around and I was paying for things with my company.

I want to fix up the financial mess that is my bank account and get on through this God damned dip in my cash flow. I want to stop wishing that things were different and treat people the way I want to treat them. I've always been a generous schmuck. I like paying for things and treating out my friends and family when I can. It really is so painful that I haven't been able to do that for quite a while now.

And now, all my friends are on their way to gorgeous Boracay and I'll be here in the city, at its most peaceful, and just gather up all the people who are not out in some beach or summer spot. Gather around some pool (probably mine) and silently wish that we were somewhere else.

To my friends: Hey guys, love you, hope you have a wonderful time and I'll see you when you get back!

posted by wanggo @ 5:24 PM