Indulgence

before I forget them...

Barbie Almalbis from Healing
These aren't pains, the burdens I cradle.
They have names and now I am able
To face them, change them, or bless them...
And I thank you most
For what you did and didn't

Talk about sappy and sentimental. The previous post was just an emotional outburst for feeling like I'm slowly losing all the things that mean something to me. I watch as the carpet unravels and slowly loses its worth and value. This life I lead, is nothing like the life I've led before or any of the lives I had led before, for that matter.

And I suppose losing touch with a best friend is really the most painful thing. You can see it happening and it's scary. It's still there, everytime you meet up, everytime you talk on the phone -- the love and the care and the affection. Let's hang out or let's meet up you say but it doesn't happen as often as those words make it sound like. I'm panicking because it seems like my schedule is going to get worse and I don't want to commit when work can just take away your time in an instant. All it takes is one phone call and hours from your future can disappear, just like that!

If only I were richer and didn't have to be so unavailable. If only I was more pushy, forced myself to his side, then I wouldn't have been so distant; always waiting for him to call and ask for my company. If only I wasn't so involved with my own shit, I could be the friend he is to me. I watch the carpet as it unravels.

I spoke today, over dinner with my friends before they leave for Baguio. I said I wish I was as rich as I was last year, citing how writing for 2 shows allowed me the funds to pay my bills, go out with friends and then still have money to put in the bank. I could spend all the money I wanted, lavished myself with things and still have money in the bank for the checks to pay my cell phone bill, electric bill and the rent. And still money left over to put in my other bank account, the one I'm not suppose to touch. That account was saved up for traveling. I was suppose to go to Thailand and India with the money in that account.

That account is gone now. It went to the two months I didn't have work, when the two shows disappeared from me and I was scrambling for a job. The two months before TXTube.

My good, good friend Berna just said it's over, don't think about it anymore. Solve your problems now.

That was the life, now, wasn't it? 3 to 4 CDs a month, depending on how good the previous CD was. I could buy books and was out paying for dinner and lunch. I watched a movie in Greenbelt almost every week. I went out and danced, bought drinks and could buy drinks for strangers and the DJ, if he was good. I'd eat out almost 4 days in a week and do my laundry without having to count the days. Writing for 2 shows meant working 4 days in a week; the rest of the 3 days was spent having fun, enjoying life.

Feast to famine to feast and then famine again...

This is no declaration for my loyalty to my bestfriend. This is just some emotional howl of pain as I watch the things around me slip away... I'm sorry. It won't happen again... We move on to the next topic...

posted by wanggo @ 11:41 PM