Indulgence

My Best Friend

George Santayana
To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring.

I am once again getting swamped with work. It's taking over most of my time and I can already see the horizon and it's going to be flat; otherwise boring. I'm not saying that work is boring, but when I put all my focus on work, I stop interacting with my friends and I start watching less movies and maybe even read less and become an all-around boring person. Doesn't sound too good but I have no choice. The dismal state of my finances is forcing me to take more work, to get more rackets outside the unbelievable amount of work I do for TXTube. I have to sweat this one out. I want a savings account again. I want to be able to pay all my bills and never have to worry about scrambling for money again. It's the way it should be.

I fear, though, that maybe this is going to be taking time away from my friends. I was suppose to be going up to Baguio for the weekend. The out of town trip I should be taking to get away from the city. It is summer, after all. If ever, it would be my first out of town trip for this year. Can't do it. Work is taking so much of my time. If I put off the work I have to do for this weekend until I get back, there would be so much work waiting for me when I get back, it wouldn't be fair to all the people who would have to wait for me to do my part of the job because they can't begin if I haven't finished my end. At the same time, another racket just came in for Monday and putting everything off until I get back wouldn't work anymore. So I really can't go.

Problem is, my best friend gave the invite and I haven't seen good ol' Jaypee in a long while. I haven't really hung out with him as much as before. Our schedules just don't jive anymore like it used to.

I remember just going to his house when I have free time and it would just be so that he'd be free also. I'd stay at his place and we'd watch movies or just talk. Talk the whole night away. We'd talk about everything. What's amazes me is that Jaypee and I are very different people. We don't always agree on things -- people and art. Sometimes we like the same things but we don't like it for the same reasons. But despite our differences, we enjoy our company and we enjoy trying to make the other see what the other sees. I'd like to think that we admire each other because we respect each other. It's hard to find people whom you admire and respect whom you feel very comfortable with.

But as I become more and more involved with work, I find myself easily dragged to going out with my friends so I can dance away the stress and tension building in my body. Whereas Jaypee is throwing himself at work and trying to avoid an expensive lifestyle. Somehow, this year, we are at the opposite ends of the spectrum and I see less and less of him.

What differentiates this situation from all the other "best friends" I've had is that when the moment comes that we aren't spending as much time as we used to with each other I find myself gravitating to someone else. My best friend is always someone that I communicate with often. While many of these people have become close, close friends whom I am always excited to see and I still tell things to; I don't really search them out like I used to. So to speak, I've moved on.

But with Jaypee, I still feel the need to seek him out. I don't want to move on from this friendship and let it go to some state of comfort in distance. I can cry over spilt milk if I want to and I'd be devastated if Jaypee and I become that way -- friends who see each other rarely, friends who love each other dearly but see each other rarely. I am reminded of Michap and of Kate and Cathy, DC and Morx. All the love and affection is there but seeing them is out of my routine, it is a planned and scheduled thing. It isn't spontaneous and... I don't know, natural?

If only our schedules were more compatible with each other. It really gets me down thinking that he may be needing me and I am not there for him like he has been for me so many times before.

The problem may also stem from the fact that when I need someone, company or a shoulder to lean on, I seek it out. And I am easy to read. The offers always come because it is easy to see when I need solace. But I don't think Jaypee is the kind of person who openly asks for company or a shoulder to cry on. He has asked on occasion but there were times that I just knew and had to find a way to get invited; I had to break down the walls, so to speak. Jaypee is independent in a way that he won't trouble others with his troubles. He doesn't want to make himself a bother to anyone else. It's just the way he is. I am the person who never forces myself on someone if they want to be alone. I don't want to push anyone to not do things they don't want to do, especially on my behalf. I don't push because I don't like being pushed. So if he doesn't ask me, I won't go there. The last thing I need is to intrude on someone who needs time to be by himself.

I know he reads my blog once in a while, so he will be reading this one time. But this entry is more my declaration that my best friend is top priority for me. If he needs me, no matter how shallow or painful the reason, I will be by his side if I can. I've gone to work without sleep just so that I can laugh with the company of friends, I can do that for a friend who needs me there for him. This isn't just some rant. This is me saying Jayps, just say the word and I'm there.

I hope that time opens up soon for us to be able to hang like we used to.

posted by wanggo @ 7:05 PM