Indulgence

a twist and a turn...

Warren Ellis from Stormwatch #46 volume 1
But tomorrow's another place entirely, and none of our business till we get there. Live in the moment you're in.

Either there is something wrong with blogger or there is something wrong with the internet connection here in the office. Whatever the case may be, I haven't been blogging because of lack of access to blogger. It is really pissing me off.

I didn't realise how important blogging has become to me. It has become a way for me to record my feelings on a day-to-day basis since I've pretty much stopped writing on an actual journal. It's become so convenient and though I do have to hide names and particular occurrences; it serves its purpose. My state-of-mind for that moment has been given a tangible form; and one that can be commented on by others -- friends and strangers alike.

I know that in my last blog entry, I had written that I love my job. Well, things are turning around for me. Work is getting to me. The usual thing that happens. I can never really commit to anything, can I? I want to go back to the life of a free-lancer. This really, really sucks. My department doesn't have its own printer. The computer I usually use is not connected to any of the printers in the office. This morning, I arrive to prepare everything for the shoot and discover someone accidentally locked the door to the store room where the camera is located. No one has a spare key. I spent the extra hours looking for a locksmith to have the door opened. I still have 6 more scripts to write before Tuesday and I've been here for 6 months and I was promised that I'd be made regular (from probationary) and my salary would increase.

I'm just so tired. I'm out of ideas and the show has been eating my time. I've not been wall-climbing (thank God for volleyball and swimming at my condo) and I have no money to do the things I want to do or pay for basic necessities. It's either one or the other; phone bill or cell phone bill? Toiletries or my laundry? I can't stand this juggling! Last year, working on two television shows on a freelance basis made me so rich, it was sinful. Now, I'm scraping at the bottom of the barrel and still not making enough.

So I resorted to stupidity for a person at my state. I did consumer therapy and bought myself a pair of low-rise jeans. I have gotten really thin since my friend has been inviting me to go out with her and she would pay for everything; she just wanted me to accompany her. So I've been dancing twice or thrice a week. Coupled with the volleyball, it is an ultimate cardio work-out. So the low-rise jeans look fabulous on me. I have those lines in between the torso and the legs, the "pelvis line" as it is called. Paired with a great shirt that managed to emphasize my shoulders and I fixed my hair and I was feeling and looking so sexy, you could eat me raw and I'd still taste good.

I danced from 12 to 4 and was a God for those moments. I'm suffering now, with my body in pain and lacking of sleep; but who cares? It was what I needed. If the shoot this morning went well, everything would have been fine, but no... That's not what happened. It's not what usually happens, is it?

Nowadays, you have to be ready for everything and anything and nothing because it will be thrown at you when you least expect it. Life has a way of just pulling you by the edges and tearing you apart at the seams. I've been offered a lot of work outside GMA. Even MTV is interested in me because of a good reference from a friend. My eyes are still looking overseas but while I'm here, do I stick it out with my show, with the people who have gone through hell and back with me or do I go jump ship and save myself?

I'm just so tired. I'll just think more about this after some sleep...

posted by wanggo @ 2:24 PM