Indulgence

confessions of a drama queen

From Before Sunrise (written by Richard Linklater, Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke)
I believe that if there's any kind of God, it wouldn't be in any of us... Not you or me... But just this little space in-between. If there's any kind of magic in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone; sharing something. -- Celine

Sometimes, the river has to run its course. Sometimes, the rain must fall. Sometimes, the clouds cover the night sky and there is no light; only darkness. Sometimes, everything just doesn't seem right.

But there is always something to learn from all this. Already, I feel a great weight has lifted from my shoulders and I can smile easily. I don't really make a big thing about it. I don't ask why anymore. Sometimes, things fall apart.

But sometimes, they stay intact. Sometimes, the sun shines and dries up the puddles left behind the rain. Sometimes, a cool breeze passes to fan our faces. Sometimes, everything just comes together.

I'm the kind of person who is constantly in thought and I'm always confused in that state. So what do I do? I articulate how I feel. And sure, I get the monicker of being a drama queen. People always says I whine a lot and complain. But it's my way of getting it out of my system and dealing with it. Sometimes, drama helps you realise certain things, because once something is said, it's out there. It's part of reality and you have to deal with it.

For me, oftentimes, I talk and talk and then realise that what's coming out of my mouth is exactly what I feel. I didn't even intend to say those things; I realise things during articulation. Instinctively, what I've been feeling takes form through words. If I can't say these things out loud, I go nuts. It's only through expression, articulation that I get to reach some level of enlightenment. Because if left alone to think of these things on my own, I'd never reach a level of insight. Insight never comes to me alone. It only comes to me during a conversation; when I am trying to explain something to some one else.

So, yes, I do believe in the power of drama. Afterall, isn't my blog just another avenue for me to go into full drama mode? Haven't I been so dramatic enough? Sometimes, I don't want to burn off the ears of friends and family so I put my thoughts here. So I can read what I said again and figure things out from there. I need things to be tangible. I studied poetry and creative writing since I was 15. Abstract things can take so many different meanings.

After all, I believe everything is one. There are enough similarities and differences in everything that you can find some level of connection. That's what poetry is about, after all.

Of course, I draw a line when someone uses drama for the sake of. That's tiring. And if it continues on and on and never ends it becomes problematic; it becomes annoying. I try my best to keep myself in check. But I need my moments under the spotlight. I need to articulate and I apologise that it comes out as whining and complaining all the time. But I need it to get through it and to figure it out. And so yes, I indulge in my friend's and family's capacity for patience. I indulge in the feelings that tear me up inside. But I'm just trying to deal.

So, yes, we all go through our drama in our way and we all deal with things in our own way. There are so many sides to any situation.

Side-tracking: I trained for volleyball today. Tired and exhausted. After every training, I end up moving like an old man. My joints hurt and I grimace in pain when climbing stairs. I love it. I love sports. It's opens up a new dimension to me that I never thought was possible. It's amazing. I will indulge.

posted by wanggo @ 3:18 AM