Indulgence

Reversal of Fortunes

Stephen King
Hearts can break. Sometimes I think it would be better if we died when they did, but we don't.

I was brought down to my knees. I was brought to tears. The past few weeks found me in troubled mind. Past hurts have come to haunt me once again. Burning my heart with realisations that things are not fine; that things were not resolved properly. Things were said but, after time, proven never true. I never had a sense of closure. I decided a few days ago that I'd be moving on.

Then I find myself talking to someone. 2 weeks of seeing each other and all of a sudden this person is having the conversation I never got to have. This person is telling me things I never got to say to certain people of last year. All of a sudden, I've become these people who have, by their own choice or not, in some way destroyed me. The irony of the situation was unbearable. To become that which you thought you'd never understand. To become that which, at one moment you loved with all your heart and then despised, later on.

These people promised me we were always going to be friends and they never lived up to their promise. Now I make the same statement, the same declaration as had been said to me and I refuse become like these people who have strung me along. I look at the person who had showered me with love and lower my gaze because I was given love and I could not accept it. But you are my friend and I will be a better friend than the lover I cannot be.

Danielle Brisebois from Just Missed the Train (written by D. Brisebois & S. Cutler)
So sleep darling, won't you pretend we were just a dream
It's cool, baby, it doesn't matter anyway
I'm so sorry, we got to the station a little too late
Such a shame, we just missed the train

Over a couple of beers in a restaurant/bar that was just about to close, my friends, Jaypee, Gerard and Charles were talking and it was decided that love and relationships had nothing to do with intensity or people. It's all about timing. It's not about the right person, right way of loving, right combination; it's all about the right timing. I think that's from Before Sunrise (or was it Before Sunset?). After all, you may meet the person whom you know is your perfect match, but what if you met them too late or met them too soon? Before you were ready? While you were dealing with some issues?

It's all about the timing, really. I realised, a lot of times, the people I met last year who have lit my heart and then, with or without realising it, burned and scarred it where all the right people; I just met them at the wrong time. Same with the conversation I had last night. It was bad timing.

Crying in each other's arms, I asked why can't we just choose who we love? Sometimes, someone offers everything that we wanted but they're just not the person we want it from. I remember, an older blog entry of mine when I was at the opposite end of this line of thinking. I was offering everything that Spaceman wanted. The Spaceman just didn't want it coming from me.

This is the cruel irony of circumstance but I cannot say that I don't come out of here with the knowledge that there is no hope regarding those three or four of my past... Hope lies somewhere else, somewhere in the future, someone else I have yet to meet. Somehow, there was still remnants of wishes and dreams; that maybe one of them would realise and come back to me. Last night, I realised what they must have felt. I know they will not return to me.

Now, I am not moving on. I have moved and I was moved and I will move others as I have been. What a strange twist; an unexpected illumination of the situation, I come out wiser and smarter.

Definitely, I will throw myself at other things -- a myriad of sports, explore options in regards to the things that I can do, return to my writing and enjoying life with my friends and family. Love takes a back-seat at the moment. I want to hold on, dearly, to this lesson and make sure that it does not escape me.

Sometimes, the answers we seek are not so welcomed when received. Sometimes, you must become what you hate to understand why some things are so. Sometimes, you don't even realise how much you can affect others and how others can affect you.

If anything, I don't want to be responsible of anybody's feelings but my own. It's too much for anyone person to bare. The weight will break my back; snap it into two. I need my spine in one piece. There's still a lot to deal with. I can see dark clouds in the horizon. But for the moment, my skies are clear.

posted by wanggo @ 7:16 PM