But walls can talk
David Bowie from Better Future (written by David Bowie)I demand a better future
Or I might just stop needing you
I finally moved out. Finally it's over. Work was on top of me and I had no time to sleep. It was morning by the time I had finished the scripts for the television show and the editing of my segment. I ran straight to the house to start packing. Listening to Natalie Imbruglia's fabulous album Counting Down the Days, it became my soundtrack. I thought I was in a video as I started putting all that I owned in boxes, large bags, plastic bags, anything that put as much things in one container for easy transport. Clothes folded to its smallest possible shape and stuffed into a laundry bag. My CDs did not fit one box. I had to put the extra ones in other containers.
It was weird slowly seeing my pad becoming emptier and emptier. It was a whole year and a month that I had stayed there. So much has happened in that span of time. If those walls could talk -- My God! I wish it never did. Not that I haven't told someone about it before. It's just that, those times are past. It's over. I've dealt with it. I should have dealt with it already. And I'm quite frightened how the walls would choose to tell my stories.
The movers came and picked up every box and said they were heavy. Of course they were heavy. They cannot possibly comprehend how each other those things made such an impact on my life. They decorated the place I came home to. Sure, I didn't come home often but they were all aspects of the idea that made up my home. And I was amazed how they could all be put into 4 boxes, 5 large plastic bags, 3 bags and 2 rolled up mats, an electric fan, a small refrigerator, a small book shelf, a writing desk and an old, antique chest. It sounds a lot in the form of a list but it seems so little for me. Each of those things have meaning, every little thing that were in them.
During the rush of packing, I made a conscious decision to throw away things. I threw away 3 pairs of jeans and a pair of slacks. I threw away all the old papers scattered on the floor. I kept the last 3 set of bills, the most recent ones and threw away the rest. I threw away shirts I never wore and the cologne that had already turned to vinegar from age. I threw away plastic bags I kept, hoping they would be useful someday. I threw away my moldy shower curtain that I never bothered to wash or replace. I felt that instead of leaving them there for the next tenant to decide upon; I wanted to erase all traces of me as I could. In a way, I wanted to try to see if I could wipe away any essence of my being there.
But walls can talk. And I wonder what stories they will decide to tell.
Now I'm back in with my brother. I look at the master's bedroom where my parent's use to sleep when they lived in that huge condominium and wonder what clutter that they've left can I remove. I open the cabinets and find slippers and shoes that my Mom left. In one closet, once opened, revealed my eldest brother's military whites, their formal uniform and probably one of my Dad's dress shirts. The bathroom is filled with beauty products my Mom used to use and never brought with her. How much of this can I remove so that I may properly settle in?
I've lost space. Sure, the place is much bigger. My bedroom alone is probably the size of my former pad but it's not my space. I don't know how to manipulate it to my desires. It is dark in this side of the condominium. I like it when the sunlight seeps in. The bed is a little too big. Too much cabinets for one person. Not much room for me to pace, to dance, to exercise...
At least I have hot water and a bathtub. At least I have a beautiful view of the city when I awake. At least I have someone to clean up after me. But there is a price for all of this.
And I will weave new stories for these walls to tell in the future. If the walls of my pad meets the walls of this new home, they will not realise that they were talking about me.
I will be changed by all of this.
posted by wanggo @ 7:38 PM
1 Comments:
go wang!
...ey, if you need anyone to help you cleaning up and fixing up and carrying boxes, let me know. i dunno but i like all that housecleaning sh*t.
hope you will be happier in your bigger (rent-free?) space =)
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