Indulgence

look, stare, gaze, glare, observe

Chungking, from Following (written be Chungking)
I won't be following
You were just borrowing me

The other night, someone told me that I looked at people in a different way than most. In fact, I was told that nobody else has ever stared/looked/gazed as I do. There is something comfortable yet unnerving about the way my eyes just pick a subject and stay there. This person told me that the way I look at someone can put that person in the defensive. I can make people feel vulnerable, that person said.

I don't know why but it never really bothered me. I was told, time and time again, that staring is rude and it's true. But I want to absorb every little detail of whatever it is I'm looking at. And people are the most fascinating subjects. I like seeing the way they move; the little unconscious movements; trying to determine if that was a fluke or a re-occuring nervous tick. I want to see the way their eyes flicker when they are excited, what they do with their hands when they are nervous. If I can collate enough data, I could pretty much figure out when someone is lying or how someone is feeling. If I have observed someone enough, I could do that. So yeah, I stare.

I can stare at someone for hours; trying to figure out the possibilites. If they say the eyes are the windows of the soul, then my soul is constantly looking outwards and I am constantly trying to look in. There are so many stories there, in someone's soul that I want to get to and so I can stare at someone's eyes forever.

And yes, it has gotten me into trouble at times. People thinking that I was rude or itching for a fight. People have found me snobbish or too flirty. People mistake my look for being anything other than what it is; I'm really trying to discover who that person is by entering the window to their souls; cliche as it may be.

Even when I'm wrong, even if I am at fault, I've been known to be able to look someone straight in the eye. I suppose it is a way for me to discover how the other person feels. Did I hurt this person badly? Or is it just something they quickly need to let out and everything will be okay again? I want to know these questions through what I can see in their eyes. Sometimes, I've had people look away while they were telling me that I had done them wrong. I suppose it is also my sense of conviction. Yes, I did wrong. I'm sorry. I'm ashamed and I want you to know that. And I will look you in the eye which is what you deserve, I guess.

And maybe I have led people on with the way I look straight into their eyes. Maybe they find a glimmer of something but are unsure what it is and mistake it for something else. I hope not. I hope that is not the case. But it could be.

But it's what I do. I look, I stare, gaze and glare. I observe. I stare out of the windows of my soul, leaving myself bare for the world to accept or reject. I'll take whatever comes my way.

posted by wanggo @ 8:01 PM