Indulgence

ask and you shall receive

Aristotle
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act but a habit.

Add on by my Dad
Excellence is not being the best; it is getting used to giving my best.

I thought that things were going to remain bleak and sad and pathetic for the next month or two since that is how long it takes for these depression spells to last. I just have these moods that can't be second guessed. They come and go as they please. So I was already expecting the worse. I asked for some sort of radical shift -- to go back and find some drive to work again and to be happy and perky again. Lo and behold! I got what I wanted.

And today, despite a whole week of tough work and hoping that I don't fuck up this time (and this whole week begins tomorrow), we had to go to Antipolo, Rizal where the team decided to build houses for Habitat for Humanity. It is a program that illicits the help of volunteer to build good housing for a cheap price so that they can sell these houses without interest and on a very fair payment scheme to under privileged families; relocate them into a good neighbourhood with a decent set of walls and a roof on their head.

I've always believed that charity is something one does voluntarily and when one is forced to do it, like for a school activity, it totally defeats the purpose. In that regard, it is the class or your professor who is doing the charity. None of the people who are there who are helping but whose hearts aren't in it are being charitable. They're just completing a requirement. For me, charity begins with sincerity; otherwise, it's just lip-service, really. Sure, some aid has been given, but it does not completely encapulate the act. Charity has a lot to do with intention.

So, with only one hour of sleep, I jumped on the van with the rest of the team to do something that didn't mean much to me. I feel that my life is fucked up enough as it is, I can't help others much if I still need to work on myself a bit more myself. But if I'm going to be somewhere to do something, I'm going to do it. I'm there already. I wasn't going to sit around and make myself a bother. I went there to help build houses, so build houses I will.

So it began, I joined the groups of men and women lifting sacks of sand and gravel bringing it from one part to where we were going to mix it into cement. I lifted sack after sack, pail after pail and brought it to where it was needed. I poured some of the gravel into the foundation myself. I tried my hand at shoveling, trying to mix the sand and gravel together but found myself ineffective and just taking too much time; so I let the more experienced men do it and did more of the lifting which was something I could do and at a fast pace.

What I liked about the people at Habitat is that they seem to know that you are a volunteer. They don't laugh at you for not being able to do so much. They recognise the fact that we are city kids and probably think that we sit in front of the computer the whole day and are totally out of shape (which isn't too far from the truth!). They don't push us to work and allow us to take the pace we need. If we can't do any more and would just like to sit down and catch our breath, we are perfectly able to do so and no one complains. There are no words spoken under their breaths and they don't give us nasty looks. Any one pail of cement that we carry is one pail of cement that they don't have to carry. They were very appreciative of us being there and helping them out. They would even ask to take it slowly and not to rush ourselves. And that really pushed me to do more; more than I could, more than my body was willing to do. My heart soared and did loops in the air. It wasn't at all militaristic. All of a sudden, it really felt like I was helping. We weren't expected to do much. If we were not in their way, then we didn't matter. The mere fact that we were helping meant the whole world to them.

And this made me feel really good. No, this made me feel great. Somewhere between my shirt turning a totally different shade of colour from my perspiration and lifting the 16th pail of wet sand and gravel, it no longer became a chore. I was no longer there because my whole team was and they decided we are all going. I was there because I wanted to help. And so I pushed myself to whatever level I could. My back was in pain, the sweat was stinging my eyes my arms were in pain (actually, make that all in the present tense) but I kept pouring the gravel into the foundation.

We were smiling and making jokes. We were taking our orders from the people who've been doing this since the project began. They offered us food during lunch and we offered ours and we were eating. It was this overpowering feeling of community. We were all there for a common goal and that was to build a community and we all did this willingly. And I can't be any more inspired right now.

All the tension I felt from the past few days is all gone now and this spirit of charity has found its way inside me and is making me proud of myself for doing more than what I could at that moment when these people needed help.

In fact, I want to go back. I want to do it again. And this isn't some fad feeling or some self-righteous stance on the world; no, this is something that makes me feel better about myself. That moment when I poured all my strength, energy and effort for the betterment of someone else totally freed me of guilt, of anger, of self-loathing. It put me in my place. Yes, I fucked up. I move on. I fix it as much as I can, I learn from my mistakes and then I apply what I learned. There is something so simple in the act of working your ass of without expectation of reward except for the gratitude that somehow... I don't know, just redeems you.

And I feel redeemed. Now, all the self-loathing is gone. I asked for this feeling to be gone and now it is. All of a sudden, I want to work harder, want to prove to my team that it won't happen again; that I can pull my weight, that I'm worthy to be a part of the team.

And more over, I want to go back to that site and help them finish those houses. Because our government can screw up royally and steal our money and blame everybody else in office for the same crime but down on our level -- the level of the people who just follow the laws and do not exercise them, do not enforce them or make them; we'll fix this country one by one, house by house, pail of cement by pail of cement. Everything won't be fine after these houses will be built. It won't solve the country's constant problems with graft and corruption and our lack of pride. No, sadly it won't. But maybe one family's life will get better and they will have a roof on their heads and a wall to shield them from the cold night air and keep the insects away from their children. And that's a start. That's a damn good start. The little things count to. And right now, all we need is a one damned good start.

posted by wanggo @ 5:23 PM