Indulgence

excerpt from Journal Oct 2, 2000 -- Mar 13, 2001

John Berger
We only see what we look at. To look is an act of choice. We never look at just one thing, we are always looking at the relation between things and ourselves.

I opened a flood gate. I've been going through my old journals like crazy. I don't know why. It only serves to infuriate me. How could I have been that way? I don't get it. I really don't. Sometimes, it becomes this little detective game, trying to figure out if there was anything about my old self that even hinted at the kind of person I could become. Right now, I'm coming up emtpy. The two selves are so different. I suppose that's what we call growth; moving forward.

Today, I was totally oblivious to what was going on with Gloria Macapagal Arroyo's State of the Nation Address. We don't need to hear it from her lips to know that we are fucked. Things are bad, sweetie. You don't need to tell us that. The question is: what are you going to do about it? Well, maybe she did answer the question but I didn't care to hear it. I had more important things to do. I had work.

I've become rather indifferent with our government but moving towards angry. I don't want to become political because it isn't my forte and I'm too apathetic to have a proper opinion. But I'm getting screwed by all the graft and corruption that it's starting to really piss me off.

But since I don't know what the fuck is going on; I've decided to put a different entry here. I found this strange journal entry in one of my old journals. It was strange but it really happened. There's some level of symbolism that was so strong in how I perceived the experience.

Here's the entry:

November 10, 2000

It is 10 minutes to 1 in the morning and, after stupendous conversation with Razel, Kacy and Voltz, I find myself disturbed. On my jeep ride home, an older woman -- grandma type, maybe 60 or an old looking 50 year old with no teeth missed the bus to Cainta or Taytay. She needed to go to the Police Station. Her story was very real and very disturbing. And it all started by a simple question in Filipino: "Does this pass the police station of San Juan?"

She is/was a traffic cop and she lost out on two salary or compensation pay. She told me how they had no gratitude after her many years of service and not even a "thank you." So tomorrow morning she plans on speaking to Jinggoy about it. She said she knows Erap, probably by campaign or whatever but she does not want to bother him when Jinggoy could do, daw. She believes in him. Gloria is a "traidora" she says and will put this country under martial law, she said. I couldn't say a word. She said she even liked Marcos because at least things were orderly. Things worked. She only joined Cory because she felt sorry for her when she saw the picture of Ninoy dead. I think she mentioned either her husband or father. "And now they want to remove him from presidency," she said, she couldn't believe it. And she even mentioned she was from Negros Occidental.

She also said I was handsome and I should be an actor. I thanked her. For the first time, I believed someone when they say I'm handsome. I don't know why.

Then, she asked if I had spare change. All she had was in her backpack. She needed to see Jinggoy so she could get her money. She needed it. For some strange reason, I couldn't. I said I had none.

When she arrived at the sakayan, no Crame jeep, I told her she could get a ride here. She thanked me and got down. As I watched her go, I thought, "How strange, there are no jeeps."

As I got down from the jeep, I realised she had not paid. I walked away, then I thought of her, so I ran after the jeep driver and told him I think the woman didn't pay. I paid him her fare. He just looked at me, then he looked at the coin. As I walked away unthanked, I felt a heavy sinking feeling inside, like if I was robbed. It is so very strange. Until now, what bothers me most is that she has no teeth.

Of course, I don't know if she ever got her money. Now, Erap is in jail; Jinggoy is a Senator and Gloria is on her second term as President and she's being asked to resign by many sectors. Back then, it was bad but I don't think it was as bad as this. I wrote down that I had paid her fare and the driver "looked at the coin." Was the fare just 5 pesos then?

Oh, and Ma'am with-no-teeth, Gloria didn't put us under martial law. Well, not yet. Maybe sometime soon but she didn't do it then.

And how strange that moment; when she arrived at the jeep station, there were no jeeps when there are Crame jeeps at almost all hours of the day and night. There were none for her that night and what bothered me so much was that she had no teeth -- of all the things that bothered me, it was her appearance? Or her hygiene?

Strange... strange...

I'm glad I wrote it down. Somethings will escape you and you don't know what you could use sometime later on in the future...

posted by wanggo @ 11:54 PM