Indulgence

confessions on a dance floor (nothing to do with Madonna)

Al-Hallaj
I saw my Lord with the eye of my heart and I said, "Who are Thou?" and He answered, "Thou."

I have a stiff neck. Berna twisted my arm to go a club last night, right? And this after a whole days work with only 2 hours of sleep, I really didn't expect to stay for very long. Of my friends that I had invited and asked to come, only Charles and Maik were there. I tried to stay away from the dance floor, preferring to dance upstairs away from the crowd. But when the really good beats started hitting, Charles grabbed me and before I knew it, I had staked my claim under the lights and near the speakers and surrounded by people dancing only half as good as Charles and I and I knew, for one moment, what it was like to be me a year ago.

I had intended to leave early to catch up on lost sleep; instead, I danced until the club began to empty out. I didn't want to look at the time in fear of what I might see so instead, I winded down with Charles, walking along Makati Avenue. He didn't want to get a cab in front of the club; it didn't matter to me, I just wanted to smoke a bit and relax.

All my friends are trying to get me to go with them to the Cream party on Halloween. We had such a good time last year and they are aching to go again and I said I wasn't going. I'm holding on to that, I'm really not going. I'm sort of through with that already. Anyway, my family is planning to hold a little party ourselves. Instead of wearing costumes, everybody has to wear the most horrible, horrendous outfit they can think of. Dress your worst is the theme of our party. It's better because you don't have to make anything, no props and you don't have to buy anything.

On that dance floor, though, when everyone just began to disappear and it was just me and the music and the dance floor and how I felt and nothing else mattered; I really missed it. I really, sincerely missed it. I missed feeling attractive and walking into a club and people looking at you from head to foot and trying to determine your value and worth. I miss not caring about that and just being myself and because of that, it sort of doubled whatever value I was given. I miss talking to my friends in a little circle and then occasionally having to reach out and say hello to someone or being tapped by a friend and having to leave the circle for a moment to say hi and play catch up with someone whom you are fond of, but in truth, know nothing much about; nothing really substantial. It is a lot of posing, really and sort of inconsequential but, nevertheless, I miss it. It was a big part of my life, after all, suppose to be, one of the novels I am to write.

But then, beat after beat, it just dissolved away into blackness accentuated with a coloured strobe. Silhoutte of bodies and a blur of faces, smiles and closed eyes in ecstacy, and then disturbed by my own movements. Again, nothing mattered and nothing ever did and it was just about being in that moment. It was an exhilirating feeling again; to be in total control of your body, but then, at the same time, to have your mind be a slave to another thing entirely, something not human -- it was the music which is but a language of feeling.

Leaving the club with Charles, lighting my second to the last cigarette, drenched in sweat and a smile on my face like no other; I had quenched a thirst and longing that had been building for quite some time. I knew it but could not bring myself to face an older self. But I have and I don't know who won. My battle scars? A stiff neck, a back that aches and worn out thighs. I have a little head ache; nothing serious and I'm still sleepy.

But I woke up and I've gone to work and I'm back to the task at hand and so I'm still not sure who won but I know that I had a great time last night and that's as much as I am going to say about it.

posted by wanggo @ 6:15 PM