Indulgence

losing my spark

from Methadonia
You're only as sick as your secret.

Just had a lovely time with Berna. Despite how the world was just crashing in on me with all that I have to do; she came up to me in the office and said "Let's watch a movie later?" and I had every right to let her know that tonight was probably the worst time of all to ask me that. I paused for a couple of seconds and said, "What are we watching?"

So aftershe finished all that she needed to (since waiting for me, I'd probably have been writing until morning) she passed for me and with some other friends from the office took the last train southbound, got off at the Ayala MRT station, went to Glorietta 4 and watched the romantic comedy A Perfect Catch. It was a lovely movie with a fabulous ending (more on that later) and filled me with great insight on how I was to go about writing what I'm currently writing now. It was kismet, really. I always have to be dragged kicking and screaming to moments that I'd enjoy greatly. Afterwards, I demanded a drink found ourselves in a very busy Greenbelt (Friday night, payday, go figure!) and we parked ourselves at Uva where we asked if we could sit inside instead of outside and, away from the crowds and the noise, we were able to have a lovely conversation. 2 bottles of Vodka Ice later, I was drunk. Very surprising since I usually have a must stronger tolerance than that but I guess I was happy and I wasn't smoking or dancing -- so I was quicker to inebriation. I didn't really care. I was enjoying myself greatly.

But seeing myself awhile ago and looking at my life for the past 2 weeks, I've really noticed that I've lost my spark. Somewhere along the way, I've lost my spark and I'm beginning to be afraid. I'm not content. That shouldn't be of any cause to worry or panic because that's natural. I'm not usually content but I do have moments of happiness tucked in somewhere in the week. But what makes this scary for me is that I'm finding more joy outside of work and doing all I can to get away from it. That's a bad sign. Usually, I'd be happy with work (that includes all the complaining and whining) and I would take that with me when I hang out. I'd be discontent only because my dreams are so high that I wouldn't be satisfied where I am now. This is a different kind of discontentment (am I even using the right prefix?). I'm just not okay with how things stand. I'm out of creative ideas. I'm just going through the motions. I'm struggling and not in a good way. I'm just getting by.

I am involved in another writing project right now and all the signs should point to me being completely into it; throwing my body and soul into it and finishing it in days. It took me 3 days to begin and I'm on my first day and I'm far from reaching half-way. Usually, I'd be almost done on the same day I started, if I don't finish it then and there.

I don't get it, really. All of a sudden, the weekends that I'm so excited for doesn't feel deserved. I feel one can only deserve great weekends if they did well during that week and I don't feel like I've been doing my best these past 2 weeks, maybe even 3. I'm out of touch with reality again, living in the daydreams in my head and the daydreams in my head are so far away from where I am at the present that I can recognise it as a really, really bad sign.

Now, now that I can recognise it, I'm frightened. Right now, I'm thinking it's my inability to stay in one place for too long. I'm sure I want to run and go again for something new; something different to do but I don't want it. I'm sure my subconscious is telling me to leave before I take root -- the less to lose if things go wrong. But my whole heart and being is telling me to stay; to take root and make something out of this. I want to stand my ground and when I see the tough road ahead, I'd strike a pose and say "Come on. Give me your best shot."

This is it. Make or break time. I cannot falter. I will not bend and snap just like that. I cannot keep leaving when things are not going my way. I mean, what does that mean? I'll never be able to hold on to something for longer than a year? A year and a half? That was pretty much the longest I ever stayed in a job and that may have been a crummy job but I had different reasons for staying that long. That was a completely different person altogether.

I'm wiser now and I'm not letting this go. I've got this kind of second family going and I'm not letting it go. The spark may not be there anymore and I'm all worn out and used and empty but if I truly believed in the things I believe in -- then I'll make it work out. Dig deep within myself and make something catch on fire. Because that's what it is all about. Inspiration is not an accidental thing -- it's a state of mind, of always being ready to be amazed, of keeping your eyes, your mind, your heart and your soul open to the world. Being inspired is not an open surrender to one thing that grabs you; being inspired is a state where you are open and take everything in and just bask in the glory of the world and everything in it.

I got shake myself out of this crummy state of... I don't know what it is. Am I jaded? Am I burned out? It doesn't matter. Wake up. I got to wake up and get my act together. I just got to wake up and do it.

**SPOILER WARNING**
For those who haven't seen A Perfect Catch yet, I suggest you don't read further. I will be talking about the ending of the film, so if you are planning to watch it and don't want the ending spoiled, please, I beg you, do not read any further. Thank you.

I think what I loved most about A Perfect Catch was the ending, the resolution of the whole film. It corresponds directly to my view of a good and ideal relationship. I love how it put importance and value to each individual's personal passions and goals. I love how they resolved things to not have either let go of the things that they love but promised to work around it.

If they ended the movie in any other way, it would have sucked. It would have been cute and romantic and sweet and all but it's not ideal. Honestly, I've been a big advocate of loving someone exactly the way they are. If you love someone, you wouldn't want to change a thing. That's the feeling of it; the mental part comes in when working around the difficult parts. It was sweet and wonderful, granted, that he was going to give up that whole part of him for her but then, he'd resent her for it in the future. As Alanis Morissette said in an interview, and I'm paraphrasing it here, she said she found peace accepting all the negative parts of her -- her jealousies and insecurities and anger; she accepted it as being parts of her and didn't push it away. She said, "I don't know anyone who was ever happy by pushing away parts of themselves away." I thought that was a brilliant way of taking it.

Yes, I am self-centered and self-absorbed. Yes, I am complicated and moody. But those are essential parts of me. You have to work around those qualities of mine as much as I have to work around the qualities of yours that I may not approve of -- that's what love is about. It's not customized. Take it or leave it. You can't go to a grocery store and buy only 5 hotdog buns in a pack of 6; you get them all or you don't get them. That's the way it is.

That's what a relationship is, two people coming to terms with each other. The most basic part of that equation is two people. Two separate individuals, two distinct persons. That's what makes it great. That's what makes it wonderful.

And that's why the movie, despite its flaws (and there were enough) was a good movie for me because it didn't go the easy way out. It said the right thing without being too cheesy. Just enough cheese to make the girls swoon and sigh but not enough to bore the hell out of me. I was smiling throughout and said "Yeah!" at the very end.

Two does not become one. You donated the sperm and the egg; you are not the sperm and the egg. But then, I've always prized my individuality above everything else; so I may be wrong. But like what I was talking about earlier -- that's one thing I am going to take a stand with.

posted by wanggo @ 3:49 AM