Indulgence

thoughts that are running at 150 kilometers per hour

Sheryl Crow from Always on Your Side
Well they say that love is in the air
Never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why

(Pictures from Balai in Laiya, Batangas; me, Yciar, Karla and Inigo)

I was working all day yesterday. A long shoot and tiring but we needed to do it. It needed to be done. Right after, I went to my cousin's house for the usual Sunday dinner with family and we had a great time talking. I haven't seen my Dad for 2 weeks so he got comfortable on a rocking chair that actually belonged to President Taft who was a good friend of one of my great grandfathers and when he left the Philippines to go back to the States, he left the rocking chair, a sofa and another chair to my great grandfather. They are at my cousin's house and my Dad settled nicely into the rocking chair and never moved that whole night. So while my brother and cousins hovered around the kitchen to watch Inigo bake pizza, or sit outside in the patio to smoke, I stayed with my Dad to talk to him. My cousin Inigo only had 1 oven so the pizza's came out in tiny waves, each one having a slice or two before waiting again. So we had little bites of heaven (the pizza was amazing!) and then we'd talk and drink our rum cokes before the next wave arrived. It was very pleasant and I got to catch up with my Dad. For the record, my cousin made a mushroom and truffle pizza that was just mouth watering and excellent to the crust. It was amazing!

I was trying to read Iris Chang's The Rape of Nanjing, hoping to start reading non-fiction again because I really enjoy reading non-fiction stuff as well but I just couldn't. It was rather disturbing. So, from Raab's insistance, I'll be going back to The Portrait of Dorian Gray and hopefully get through it. I'm only 4 books from my quota and I've hit a road block. I gotta get my ass moving. The year is, after all, almost over. I've already watched a play and I've danced with fire thrice so that's a good sign. Friends are planning to set me up with people, so my 2 date self-imposed quota is going to push through also. Somehow, the reading list is my major goal right now. I want to accomplish that badly. I don't know why. It's like that's the part that means the most to me right now. But I know I'll be going to the beach 2 more times before the year ends and that makes me really happy. Look at this picture with my and my cousin Yciar in Laiya, Batangas. I'm so happy. Got home completely burnt. Right now, I'm peeling at the back and it's kinda gross but that's okay. I enjoyed myself and I got revitalized and my dream of living by the sea is getting stronger by the day. (Picture from Balai sa Laiya, Laiya, Batangas; Me and Yciar)

(me zipping at Laiya beach in Batangas)
It's a Monday but it's also a holiday but I'm here working at the office. Last night, talking with my cousin's girlfriend, Karla and my sister-in-law Kristi; I had mentioned how important it is for someone to get into the habit and discipline of working; to get used to the idea of being responsible for something. I'm going nuts because right now, all I really wanna do is write. I just want to throw myself into writing but I am endearing myself to my segment, which, in my personal opinion, I'm writing well. But right now, I just want to throw myself into writing literary stuff again. Continue to write movie scripts and short stories and poetry, or just dabble into it. Like I told my friend Morx, I will never really be a poet. I love it, I enjoy reading it, but I have no capacity for it. I like the process of story-telling while poetry has to be sudden and you must completely surrender yourself to the metaphor whereas in fiction, the metaphor helps drive the story but it isn't necessarily the story. He agreed. Morx will always be a poet because he wants the sudden-ness; I have no patience, he agreed, while we were chatting. It's not a bad thing. I think it is great that we can know ourselves as much as we do.

These things are just on my mind right now. Everything is a jumbled mess of thoughts that I can't seem to push out of my mind. It's bothersome, really and annoying because I feel like it is slowing me down. I can be doing more if I was just less anxious. Right now, I wish I could be just a little more focused. I wish I didn't want things so badly and that everything is going right. I'm not sad or angry. I understand what I'm going through is just anxiety and I'm anxious in getting things done but my natural Piscean state is forcing me to live in my head again, in dreams and in phantasies and that's not good. I recognise it for what it is and I want to fight it and I will. But while they are running so fast in my head without any brakes, I might as well define them. Saying them out loud allows me a chance to figure out exactly who the enemy is. And once you know exactly who the enemy is, it's easier to prepare for battle.

Two more months and it's the new year. I know my enemy. I got to beat him before the new year. I don't want to enter it with these issues circling about my head. I want to come clean. I want a clear slate. It's the last battle before the year ends. I recognise that much. So I'll pick up my spear, my sword and my shield. I'm ready for battle.

posted by wanggo @ 2:05 PM