Indulgence

I can't seem to cry

Maria Taylor from Leap Year (written by Maria Taylor)
In a hurry
When there's so much time

I will wait for you, growing love but like water,
Time will always slip through
I will wait for you but please come soon

Someone very dear to me just passed away yesterday. Everyone is a little bit broken, awed and inspired by one's love and devotion for over 20 years. How can one repay the sacrifice and the love? She is practically my second mother. She had no children of her own. Her children was us, all of us of my brothers and sister.

How does one repay such kindness? Such love? I think of the stories they tell me of how her last few days were like. We are all glad that she went fairly quickly. Not too much pain, I think. I shudder to think, I shudder to ask any more, comforted by the idea that it didn't drag on as long as it might've. I just can't believe she's gone. My brother asked if I was okay. I said it hasn't hit me yet. He replied saying it had hit him but there's was still so much to do, he'd just break down later on when all the preparations were done. I told him that the only things we really leave behind are children and art. She practically raised us along with our parents and she did well by us. I believe we're good people. We're pretty much self-reliant and quick to love. There is a big part of her in us and we will take this down to the next generation. We will pass this on. And she is alive and well and filled with laughter in our thoughts. I didn't know what else to tell him but that's what comforted me. She left behind more than a lot of other people -- a life well-lived, I'm hoping. If we are all that she could've showed for it, then she needn't worry. She raised us well.

I came home, knowing the news before hand and saw everyone in tears. Mine has yet to fall. I want to. I want to grieve. I want to feel the sorrow but I don't. And it isn't because I know she lived a good life. I don't know why I can't feel the loss -- maybe I don't believe it. I just can't seem to cry.

posted by wanggo @ 5:36 AM