Indulgence

bad news

Beth Orton from Pieces of Sky (written by Beth Orton and Jimmy O'Rourke)
The sea holds me tears and carries me
Where my heart is too heavy for one

When it's over, it's over
I best get busy living
Been a long time gone

I just got off the phone with my brother giving me some bad news. Someone very dear to me is in a very bad way and it might even be cancer, it might be terminal. Right now, we are suppose to wait for the full diagnostic report, but even without it, it's already very serious. I feel so bad and so helpless. Worse of all, I feel like I can feel more and I don't and I'm scared. Am I so detached? So far away from the person that I was that if it doesn't directly affect me, I'm okay?

Or maybe it just hasn't sunk in yet? I did cry a bit but not the flood I was expecting to pour out with news as bad as it was -- and from someone I love very much and who loves me very much.

My first time to have to deal with someone I love's death was my Tito Mike in Bacolod. But the news happened all so fast and just like that, it was over. It was definite. This news is tearing me up inside because it isn't definite yet -- just that it is serious and that there is pain. If it isn't cancer, then it might not be terminal and she may go on for a while, but not in the same way. It's really bad and I can't do much about it.

I feel bad. I am just at a loss for words. I wish I could cry more. I wish I could just sob it all out. But I can't. I just can't. The tears ain't coming down.

posted by wanggo @ 9:36 PM