Indulgence

As the city sleeps, I ponder on some things

Bjork and Olivier Alary from Desired Constellation
With a palm full of stars
I throw them like dice... repeatedly
On the table... repeatedly
I shake them like dice
And throw them on the table... repeatedly
Repeatedly until the desired constellation appears

The city is quiet. Manila sleeps while the majority of its wild, crazy denizens are off on beaches and cold locales. The rest who are left behind wait in hushed breath for their safe return so that the revelries can once again continue in full force. This is not Manila's night-life best. Places are closed. The city mourns. It is all quiet and peaceful. It is serene.

It's quiet here in my brother's house. The whole house is asleep. I know my sister is walking about awake but she stays in her room watching their sweet, sweet baby. I don't know if I can be held down so. I understand a parent's responsibility, actually, it's more a privilege to care for one so unconditionally but it is not something I wish to have. If I feel like it, I can just stand up, gather my things and leave. I want that capacity for myself. Freedom. I want freedom. Nothing holding me down, nothing holding me back.

Just as I have begun to put all the finishing touches on my computer at home, it breaks down on me. Windows is corrupted. As I am about to get a lot of writing done, the computer once again becomes another disappointment. It is just a string of broken up wires and chips. First it was the keyboard. I had it replaced. Then it was CD drive. I fixed it. Now it won't even go on. The system is corrupted. All these little bullshit things. I thought technology was suppose to make things easier. Now, it seems we have to have technology to repair the existing technology.

I let it go. Part of chaos, part of randomness, we just flow.

Some people who were left behind I had invited to go swimming. I said I'd gather all those left behind and join our friends in spirit -- a time of our own revelry and joy. None have come. I'll take this time to watch some DVDs then. More movies in already a long list of films that I have seen. Expand my knowledge of cinema. It impresses some. Might as well, I could learn more.

The city is quiet, it is peaceful and serene. I feel like screaming. As happy as I am in my current job, I can't help feeling like I made a mistake. I should've taken the job that paid me more even if it was not the thing I wanted to do. Sure, I love my job but I can't do the things I want to do because I lack the funds to do it.

Once again, I weigh my options. What should I do? Is this what I want to do? How I want to live my life?

The choices we make dictate the lives we lead. That's from Hamlet, written by William Shakespeare. I wonder what Shakespeare had to sacrifice for the life he ended up living, for writing what he did and how well he wrote what he wrote.

Life's twists and turns. I miss wall-climbing...

posted by wanggo @ 2:17 PM