Indulgence

Coming to terms

Tori Amos from Parasol
When I come to terms, to terms with this my world will change for me

The world is crazy. I once again insist and things I have known for a while now, this world is chaos. Chaos is beautiful. The natural state of the world is chaos. The universe is in a constant frenzy to create random moments. Do not try to understand, just accept. Go with the flow. Ride the wave like a surfer; this world is not for us to control, this world is for us to live. It's a ride, on a big black pick-up with a V12 engine on fifth gear going off-road. If you can't learn to shout "Banzai" then you might as well be another body on some psychiatrist's couch.

Over-analyzing things will only lead you to that same conclusion. There is no master plan; there is no one destination. It is all just a matter of moments and it all depends on how you feel at that particular moment.

For the first time in my life, I can't understand the way I am feeling. My finances are in the shits, work is unbelievably hectic and not getting any easier, my relationships with the people around me (strangers and close friends and family alike) are unpredictable and the world is unsure but I'm happy. I am actually fine and not depressed. Am I in denial? Or have I just realised that this is all part of the random-ness of the world.

In these times of wild abandon, I indulge myself in whatever it is I want to feel. Discomfort? I'll push the boundaries to it. Joy? I'll take all in in a greedy gulp. Worry? Then I'll let it shake my knees until my legs snap away from the rest of my body. If I am going to feel anything, I want to feel it fully. I want to indulge.

Tori Amos from Jamaica Inn
the sexiest thing is trust I wake up to find the pirates have come

The world is a new place. I've always believed in the chaos theory but now I feel like I have truly accepted it. My friends are all in Boracay (while others in some other beach) and a few are left behind. I'm with family and there are promises made and there is so much sky when I look out my window. I'm feeling a certain fire in my chest and it isn't desire. It's passion.

I am dying to write something but the computer at home is all fucked up. Here at my brother's I can write but nothing I can return to; maybe on paper. I can return to the ways of before.

I trust in this feeling. I trust in this unknown feeling that surrounds me. I trust the unknown. I will take steps only when I need to. I don't want to plan anymore.

Tori Amos from Parasol
the Seated Woman with a Parasol may be the only one you can't betray
if I'm the Seated Woman with a Parasol I will be safe in my frame

There is no escape from this except through art. I guess I know that now. All of a sudden the world is clearer to me now. There is no sanctuary except when I leave parts of myself behind in a form that can be understood by others. I must leave some form of art behind. I need to write. I need to be understood. This world of chaos is almost upon me.

I know now. I don't want to understand and I don't want to explain anything anymore. I just want to be; to experience fully. To be one with the chaos.

I think I'm ready now. The change is almost complete. I'm reaching my full self. I am soon out of the wilderness, almost out of this state of being lost in transition.

I hope people will be ready for it.

posted by wanggo @ 5:15 PM