Indulgence

To the fourth power

Fiona Apple from To Your Love
Do you just deal it out, or can you deal with what I lay down?
Please forgive me for my distance
The pain is evident in my existence

Being random is a lot harder thing to do than I first imagined. Well, I'm sure it isn't that difficult for some but it is definitely difficult for me. I learned last night that I've been lied to again by people I trusted. People I was told not to trust but trusted anyway. God, I'm such a sap. I'm such a fool. Then all of a sudden, all the failed relationships of last year hit me really hard on the chest and I feel like I can't breathe. The pain is deafening. It's like you can't hear. It's just so God damned painful.

Sometimes you wish a space station would just fall on their heads. Land on them and turn them into some charbroiled version of themselves, flat as a pancake and burned beyond recognition. I'm so affected. The four people who really made a deep impact on me (in regards to love anyway) hurt me but, a delayed reaction of all things, the pain hits me now, times four.

I've decided I am through with it all. I'm done with it. Of course, the pain is searing so I'm trying to feel it fully so that it ends faster. Imagine the feeling being like a candle. Instead of trying to put it out, I'd rather make the fire stronger. Once it has completely burned away candle, wick and all, there is nothing left after. Nothing but a cold lump of wax. And it is hardly what it was before. Nothing remains. Nothing should remain.

I'm currently trying to create the principles of randomness. The tenets I should follow in order to be random (I know it seems contradictory but everything has qualities, elements and it should be followed otherwise it is nothing). I've already formulated that being random means that whatever it is I'm feeling at any moment should be experienced and felt fully. That way, it cannot return to haunt you. Once the moment is over, it is over. You can't return to it. Being random also demands never dwelling on things, never analyzing. The principle is to accept what is. There are no explanations. There are no hidden meanings, there is no greater scheme. It just happens. Don't dwell, don't over-analyze, just accept and move on. Being random also means you do whatever it is you feel like doing. Do not consider; if you feel like doing it, then do it. For people who cannot handle the repercussions of all actions (such as illegal or fatal acts) then you must state it openly the things you want to do and then move on. We cannot murder or run naked in public, so just say what it is you feel. It gives the words some weight and the action is not lost in thought.

I'm making more. I know it seems cold but I need to strengthen myself somehow. I've been telling people I need to be more random. I need to be more impulsive and already people have told me that they think I already am very spontaneous. They don't know how much I've been holding back. I've had tons of crazy thoughts in my head but never did them because they were just wrong or potentially damaging. There were some things I couldn't do in fear of the repercussions. Fear. Fear is the greatest enemy of someone trying to be random and chaotic. Fear pushes back into order, into some level of a system. I want to be unpredictable.

I want to be more spontaneous.

Because if I dwell on this pain, on these people, on the hurt, nothing will become of me. I'm tired of this life that is merely a parody of a life. I'm not a soap opera. I'm not just a bag of skin filled with blood and bones. This heart pumps, this brain thinks, these eyes see.

I will not be hurt again. I was texting my best friend who told me the Spearmint was in Boracay. I thought the Spearmint was back in Singapore. I never heard from the Spearmint when there was a promise. Well, for people like the Spearmint, apparently, words carry no weight; promises to me are made to be broken. Don't lie to me. Call me names, hurt me, kick me, break my heart but do not tell me lies.

My best friend heard the words coming out of my thoughts and told me once again not to lose hope. It's the only power we have, Wangs he said. I said, No, Jaypee, there is also pain. The capacity to take it in and dish it out. That's a power we have as well. It's a power I want to know well. They will not hurt me again. They will not hurt me again and think that it is okay. They will not tell me lies again. I won't give them a chance to do so.

The ice builds. It is winter inside me. The Philippine sun glares and a sweltering heat may begin to signal the coming of summer but it is winter inside. I can kill with a breath.

I just hope I do not falter. I hope I can take this conviction and make it true. I hope I do not fall inside myself and become weak again, vulnerable. How much more do I want to take? Because I know I can take a lot; I can take a lot more...

But I don't want to.

posted by wanggo @ 9:15 PM