Indulgence

be careful what you wish for

Will Rogers
If you're riding ahead of the heard, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Sometimes, the reality is just not as good as the fantasy. Or maybe it is, but you are looking for something more. Whatever the case maybe, for someone who has a powerful and over-active imagination like I do, most of the time, the fantasy is always better than the reality.

I don't understand why I bother sometimes. It's really hope that's the killer. Despite what you see and how you feel, that instinct that it won't be what you think it would be, you still go for it because of that off-chance you might be wrong. Who likes to be pessimistic and right, right? I'd rather be a pessimistic and wrong than be a pessimist who is always right. But apparently, hope continues to force me to do things that I already feel won't be what I was hoping it would.

I can't help it, really. The fantasies I create in my head are so detailed and real. The little scenarios I play around in my mind are complete in sound, smell, feel, look, everything -- the emotions are there, the exact dialogue and I play it over and over in my head until I'm convinced that that's the way it would be if it happened. My mind is wonderfully adept at creating these little parrallel worlds. They actually exist in my head and so, deep down inside, I want it to happen and I've gained so much in terms of confidence that I can probably make it happen if I wasn't so lazy, or busy with other things or considerate of other people's feelings.

And then, there are those moments when I am not so busy and there's not much other people's feelings to consider and I don't feel particularly lazy and I actually accomplish that which I wanted to do and all of a sudden, it ain't the same. It isn't anywhere close to how I imagined it would be.

And now I have these loose ends that I have to somehow fix and make better. And it is just so much hassle to have to try and return something that you've already bought. Sometimes, that object liked having been bought and wants to stay, but you don't want it anymore. How do you just let it go? Sometimes, I can be very efficient in getting what I want but not very wise.

I have to learn to trust my instincts. Trust what I feel inside. Or learn to want less. Learn to be satisfied with what I've got. Learn to really look at things. Learn how deep the water is before jumping in.

Just... just be careful of what you wish for...

posted by wanggo @ 2:48 PM