Indulgence

a mouthful

Hanlon's Razor
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

I have complained time and time again about the amount of work I had been carrying. Recently, I told my cousin that it is merely happy complaining; it is something that naturally comes with the territory. After all, there'd be no challenge if everything came easily, right? So I may complain and complain but I really do enjoy the work that I do.

But I stupidly decided to bite way off more than I can chew and find myself with my mouth filled with my own foot. I stupidly said "yes" to all these projects that came my way and I couldn't deal with it. I was sleeping 2 hours a day, I was under-performing and I hate under-performing. It's really a bad career move. People will think you have no focus and that you are unreliable. That sucks; it really does.

I've really messed up and I can see now that, though I could probably do the job, it would be at the expense of my health and my reputation. At the same time, it wasn't working out with the mere fact that all my schedules were getting fucked up. All the deadlines fell on the same date and all the shoots had the same schedule. I literally had to be in two places at the same time if I were to actually, successfully handle these two shows plus all the other stuff I had accepted.

So I decided to spit out a big chunk of that which I bit into. I talked to my boss in one of my jobs and told the truth; I couldn't hack it. I feel that I've been under-performing and I didn't want that sort of reputation. I was much better than he probably thinks I am but I would have no proof. I was just coming late, always sleepy and moving slow. I was not performing at full capacity. It isn't fair to them or to any of the people I'm working for.

So I let go of one of my jobs; in 2 weeks, I'd free up my schedule and I can try to get some level of normalcy back. I can sleep more, rest my body and think on my feet better. I'd have more time on my hands and hopefully I can go wall-climbing again. I can start functioning at 100% efficiency.

And that's what is important to me. It's not about the money. It was always about what I could learn -- about the industry, about the artform, about myself. And I learned something. I learned my limit and the limits of others. I learned to take care of myself and to say "no" and that doesn't necessarily mean you will disappoint them; because you are saving them from much bigger disappointment when you produce work less than satisfactory.

It's a lot to learn. It's a humbling experience but I'm glad it's done and over. The faster I can fix things...

posted by wanggo @ 2:26 AM