Indulgence

turtle

Henry David Thoreau
How vain is it to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.

Pretty soon I can move out and that will be one major problem that will be done and over. I didn't realise how much added stress this whole moving out thing has been causing me. It has always been at the back burner of everything and really causing me more pain and stress and pressure and once I'm done with it, I can move on with a lot of things. For one, it will definitely end this whole deal with my former landlord that's really getting on my nerves.

Of course, I'd have to find a place of my own again sometime later this year. My parents are still selling the condo and I'm only moving in to help out my brother and to be more practical for the moment. In the long run, it's only for a short while, a little road bump in the history of my independence. I don't consider it moving back in with my parents since they aren't paying for anything. My brother and I pay for everything. And it's just going to be us -- his family and me. I'd still have to save up a whole lot of money to pay for the deposit and the advance of where it is I'm going to be transferring to.

*sigh* I remember writing a poem a few years ago about the turtle, how it must be so tough to be carrying your home all the time, everywhere you go, on your back. Funny, thinking about it now, how wonderful a metaphor that is, the turtle carrying his home on his back. Home is something you bring around with you. It's not a place but a feeling you have. There is a beautiful line about home in the movie Garden State and I can't remember how it goes; all I know is that it was mentioned in the swimming pool scene. Home is an idea of what things should be like, the standard for comfort and stability. In which case, I have a very high standard for comfort and stability since my idea of home was formed by my parents. My parents did their best to make home a place their kids found everything they need. They actually succeeded because as kids to teen-agers, my brothers, sister and I never left the house. Right after school, we usually went home and stayed there. There was no need to go out of the house, everything we needed was there.

I remember my uncle, all of a sudden. He visited us in Manila and we were having dinner and having a grand time and he remembered that I was a published poet and a practicing writer. He asked me to stand up and recite a poem. I told him I didn't memorize any of my poems; that I would go to my room to get a print out and he said I didn't have to. He told me to just make one then and there. I said I couldn't, that I was embarrassed to do so. My cousins and siblings tried to change the subject but my uncle insisted. The subject had already been changed but all I could think about was what my uncle wanted and he would join in on the new topic but he kept looking at me, every once in a while until I couldn't control myself any longer. I stood up and everyone looked at me and I recited a poem called Turtle.

I had just written that poem recently but couldn't remember a single line. So I made a new one carrying the same concept as the original. Afterwards, everyone kept quiet and they looked at me. My uncle started to applaud me and told me he was so proud of me. He was expecting me to make palagpat, which is an Ilonggo word that means something akin to fool around or play around with it. He said that what I said that night was very lovely. He was touched and asked me for a hug.

I'd wanted to be a writer for a long time because I wanted to touch people the way I had been when I read but it was then, sometime 4 years ago that I actually thought I could do it. It was an amazing experience.

posted by wanggo @ 5:40 PM