Indulgence

learn from the world, teach the world

Poe from Wild
What would you cry for? Swallow your pride for? Go wild for?

I had an interesting chat today with my friend. I would normally put his name here but then, because of the quality of what we talked about, I'd rather keep him nameless and to protect his insecurities from being of public scrutiny. After all, that's his life and we spoke about it under the impression that it is for us only. But I asked permission to put it here and I'll put just put parts of it. Sometimes, I do shock myself with the things that come out of my... err... hands (when I type; I guess I wanted to say what comes out of my mouth, but I wasn't really talking...).

friend: how are you heartless?
wanggo: how am i heartless?
wanggo: well, if it's over, it's over...
wanggo: i'm not sentimental at all...
wanggo: the moment the final judgement has been made; that's it...
wanggo: so if i've decided to cut you off... you're gone
friend: ok
wanggo: and i'm also heartless because i use the truth like a weapon
friend: nice way of puttin' it.
wanggo: and it's not fair...
friend: your turn to ask. go!
wanggo: your friends don't know you?
friend: i don't spill the beans easily.
friend: i'm not the type who would have best friend who would know everything about me.
wanggo: hahaha whereas i'm the kind of person where a stranger knows everything about me!
friend: oh yeah. ur blog. heehee.
wanggo: or just the moment i meet someone, i'm all open
friend: really?
friend: i'm usually silent.
friend: in person.
friend: you wouldn't think i was the one you spoke with on the phone.
wanggo: i'm an open book... all throughout
wanggo: and you know what?
wanggo: i didn't realise it before; but it is both a defense mechanism and a weapon...
friend: how so?
wanggo: it's a defense mechanism because by putting myself out there on the open; i leave them the choices to make... not me
wanggo: i can always say "i've been honest and open" it's them who couldn't handle it...
wanggo: it's a weapon because i dispose of my self so openly and readily that people are shocked, surprised
friend: nice
wanggo: i tear their expectations apart
wanggo: it's not how ordinary people act/react
wanggo: and i didnt know i was doing it on purpose...
wanggo: it was my way of taking control of the social situation
wanggo: i'm cruel, noh?
friend: no.
friend: by being fearless you think you can contrl your fear.
friend: i'm that way sometimes.
wanggo: but the thing is, it's not being fearless...
wanggo: you see, i realised, by not hiding anything about me, there's more to gain and nothing to lose...
wanggo: people hide things, keep things because they feel safer that way...
wanggo: but i see it as the opposite
wanggo: so it's not an act of bravery on my part...
friend: you can afford to be heartless...
friend: i can't. i have so much to lose.
wanggo: like what?
friend: the life that i want.
friend: i have this notion that i cannot achive that by being being my true self.
friend: reality clashes with what imagine myself to be.
wanggo: uhm... that sorta sucks, doesn't it?
friend: i have so many hang-ups.
friend: i have no idea how got myself into this.
wanggo: you got to start learning to let go
friend: my truth is not society's truth.
friend: i try to conform, but i know i will lose myself.
wanggo: play your game, don't play theirs
friend: but i think i will be left alone.
friend: a person that's too strong.
friend: no one can match me.
friend: and because of that...
friend: i will be alone.
wanggo: 8 billion people in the world, (name withheld), you think you're the only one that strong?
friend: we are contradiction of ourselves.
wanggo: and why are you going to "lower" yourself, hide your strength for the sake of the world...
wanggo: the world doesn't owe you anything
friend: contradictions
friend: i now live by the philosphy that i cannot be too sure of myself.
friend: let the world teach me.
wanggo: i could never hold myself back... give and take
wanggo: learn from the world, teach the world
friend: i need to learn how to trust.
friend: people who may disappoint me.
wanggo: trust yourself...
wanggo: it always start with you
friend: but the thing is. by trusting myself, i learn that cannot trust others.
friend: it always goes goes back to that.
friend: i let go, i learn.
friend: but i hurt.
friend: and you hope
friend: that somewhere along the way
friend: someone will care enough not to hurt you.
wanggo: don't let your distinct number of experiences with some people generalise your whole opinion about life and people as a whole...
friend: but life has a timeline.
wanggo: it starts when you are born, it ends when you die
friend: why is it difficult to choose to be happy?
friend: if it's really a choice?
wanggo: because people are too busy trying to be happy
wanggo: they forget to do the things that make them happy...
friend: what makes you happy?
wanggo: being recognized for the things i'm good at
wanggo: there was a time i spent more time trying to find out if people recognized my strengths
wanggo: that i was totally unhappy
wanggo: then, when i just did the things i was good at... the compliments started coming in...
wanggo: you don't choose to be happy, you just are...
wanggo: emotions are reactions
wanggo: so you can't choose to react to something unless you have a stimulus...
friend: so must be careful with the choices you make.
wanggo: always but once you make them... go all the way with them
friend: yes

That came completely left-field for me... I had no idea that I could articulate these things. That this is how I am and that I could talk about it so casually. I was shocked, going over it. It strikes me, in a funny way as well, that I'm younger than my friend. It was strange, really. I could "talk" with so much confident and assurance, like I really knew what the world was like and what it was about yet I read it and see it as a truth. After all, that's my truth.

These moments of clarity is just amazing for me. I love them so much. This is what I live for, really. More than recognition of my own strengths, this is what makes me happy. To be able to articulate through words or a movie or a story these truths that hang in the air just waiting to be discovered. This really makes me happy. To be able to constantly gather knowledge and wisdom, in what ever form they come and then use it in my own life and then restructure it in a story (be it for a movie, a book or a song) and then send it out hoping that others can learn from it as well and be amused by the form it has taken as well.

I can feel it that this will be another great weekend again...

posted by wanggo @ 5:14 PM