Indulgence

out at sea

Kate Bush from Nocturn (written by Kate Bush)
We stare out into the Atlantic
We become panoramic

I find it hard to be out at sea during a storm. The waves are so high, you don't know whether you are up in the air or heading down into the waters. It's so dark and the rain so strong, you can't see beyond the reach of your hands. You yell as loud as you can but you are never sure whether you are heard. The strongest sound is that of the thunder and the rain. You're dizzy and at one point, you just want to get out but you don't know how.

All it really takes is for me to make a decision. It's up to me to stop talking and to make a decision. My friend Berna has told me, Wangs, you're not happy anymore. Those words, coming from her, was like a hammer to my head. What the hell? I feel like part of the scenery. There is a machine quality to all of this. This. I know what this is but I can't say it. It's an old problem, an old recurring problem. But now I know. I've defined it properly and it makes sense. My Dad said I was right about it. It's just making that decision. I need courage. I need strength. I need... I'm not sure what I need. These moments should begin with it would be nice... There's one person who knows what that means, right Cholo? He He He That's something between us. He knows what I'm looking for right this very moment as I'm writing this. It would be nice refers to something. I've almost got it, but, as usual it's complicated. (picture of Berns and me in Palawan, June 2005 taken by Pabsy or Rica)

You can never really master the sea. You can learn to sail on it but you can never control it. It's overwhelming, it's powerful, it's vast and is of dual-nature: calm, serene, peaceful and dangerous, frightening and powerful. You can never expect the same voyage twice on it. You just do the best you can.

I went to the birthday party of my friend Jojo in Government. I met the old gang and got to see some people there that I haven't seen in a long time. I was able to dance a bit and touched the darkness again briefly. I didn't want to but I found no reason to not go there. I got myself out again but I was there. It was scary. No, not now. Not like this. Not when everything is up in the air or now that I'm lost at sea. That was a mistake on my part; an error in judgement. It's a show of my current vulnerable and weakened state. I have to wait `till I'm stronger before I even consider going to the darkness again.

I've got to get my ship to dock on some port. I've been sailing for far too long and it's been bad weather for a while now.


(picture -- me, Ginny and Jojo sometime last year in Punta Fuego, taken by Jaypee)

posted by wanggo @ 3:32 PM