Indulgence

the re-examination of design

J. K. Huysman
I have now learned by experience that the unbelievable is not always, in this word, an exception.

And once again, I am reminded that not all things are what they are appear and that we do not always have all the answers. Sometimes, it is all up to me. It is a position I do not wish to be in, but time and time again, they want me to lead. It is expected of me and I don't know why. I sit by the ledge staring out into the city and wonder why. If time and time again, that is how it has presented itself, why not accept the role? Can I force the world to submit by what I want? Do I have that strength, to wait it out until I get what I want? Or do I join the chaos, this randomness of character and personality; that not all things are chosen and part of submission involves accepting the theory that there may be a grand design to all of this? And if so, what use is all this bravado; this stranglehold I have over the concept that this world is what we make it to be?

I refuse to be powerless over forces much stronger than me. I've always said I'd go fighting. My last action in this world will be one of defiance. How is it that I show myself that people expect me to make demands? How is it that I present myself that people want to follow my lead?

On a better note, two phone calls from my Dad brought a smile on my face, the second came around 3 hours after the first both heralding good news. It's a reason to smile after such a long drought. I drink it all in. There are still somethings I know how to enjoy.

posted by wanggo @ 1:36 AM