Indulgence

beyond my control

Jalaluddin Rumi
Wherever there is a ruin, there is a hope for treasure.

Sometimes, all the signs are there and all you have to do is follow `em to lead you to the proper conclusions. It's always my feeling that things will be different this time that forces me to ignore the signs no matter how in my face they are. In other words, I am usually screwed over by hope. I can be so dumb sometimes. Always hoping things would be different. Always hoping despite the obvious. I'm such a hopeless fool, what do you expect?

I'm trying to work out a quote; I probably heard it somewhere before but can't remember from where. I want to say something like, Sometimes we have to get lost so that we can find the right way again or something more like sometimes you don't know you're on the right road, there are no signs, you only know if you're on the right road once you get to where you're going.

Something like that. I'm getting lost somewhere. Gotten attached to people who have not earned what I found myself feeling for them.

To the one out of reach: I can only do so much. I can't feel anything for someone I have not met. You can't expect these things from me. I'm surprised I gave as much as I did for promising conversation. I guess I wanted it that bad. I guess I wanted you to be real. I thought you were something else; something different. Oops! My mistake. I can't keep waiting for you to meet me half-way. I'm tired of caring for something I cannot see or touch. You are asking for too much faith on my part. I gave as much as I could and then, you fell asleep. I waited. You never called or texted back. I'm just so fucking tired.

To the lost and lonely one: Everything is laid out; cards out open on the table, there's no point in playing cards now. I know what I am to you; I'm merely convenient, then so be it. I play my parts well when I know what they are and if I'm willing to play. So use me as you will; you earned that much with your tenderness. I'm not always sure exactly what I am to you so I'm just using the information I was given and taking it from there. But I'm not some pathetic little boy desperately feeding on scraps. I think I shouldn't make the first move anymore. You want me? You need me there? Let me know then. Work for it. I'm worth a little effort.

I was texting with Berna and I had asked her rhetorically, why can't I have an ordinary, simple relationship with people I like? She replied, Wanggo, we were not meant to lead ordinary lives. That put a smile on my face. It doesn't really make me feel any better; it doesn't really answer the question but it puts a smile on my face.

(picture taken in an internet cafe in Malate sometime March 2003)

posted by wanggo @ 3:06 AM