Indulgence

where i am going from here

Robert Bresson
Make visible what, without you, might perhaps never have been seen.

When I came back from Boracay and Bacolod during the New Year, I was so refreshed and eager once again to create things -- to put all the stories in my head to paper and to just write again. I carried this energy with me through most of January. Somewhere along the way in February, it sort of disappeared, bogged down by my everyday and the anticipation and every little thing else. As Jaypee and I were talking over dinner one time, I just want to be inspired again we had agreed. But that's not true. I am inspired. I got it back the other day when I was sitting with my Dad working on the edit of our short film. I saw my Dad clean up the edit; fine tuning the film to make it more effective, making it a stronger narrative. I got so filled with energy. I'm once again the dynamo I was when I got back from my vacation.

Because of all the things I want to work on, I had to quit my job at GMA-NMI. I love the people there and working with everyone in the team but now that I'm getting film offers, I can't juggle both at the same time. I've been writing and working on lifestyle television shows for 2 years now. I've given everything I had and I feel that maybe I've ran out a long time ago. I think my specialty has always been in narrative -- the structure and feel and pacing of stories. I tried applying what I knew into my segments, into my writing but I always found myself coming up short. I learned that television, lifestyle most especially, has a different language to that of narrative. You tell stories differently and I found myself unable to let go of my own training to replace it with television craftsmanship. I'm scared I'm not as talented, or multi-faceted, as I thought I was. I thought I could learn the craft of television and still retain my knowledge of narrative. Apparently, I can't. I was made for one thing only, it seems.

It saddens me, really but I've got to move on to the things that make me happy. Honestly, I've known this for quite some time, and I've already handed over my resignation, my work with NMI ends on February 15. I just haven't really reconciled it yet with myself until recently. I feel like a rat, like I've betrayed someone but truthfully, I think it would be worse off if I stayed when my heart is yearning for other things. That would be the worse betrayal and I respect and admire the people in NMI too much to do that. I gotta go.

The short film is one and I'm currently working on 3 more movie scripts and 1 play. It's a lot to do but I'm up to the challenge. Without gloating, these things are easy for me, and are actually quite fun when they are challenging. Problems regarding pacing, theme, character development thrill me. After writing the script or the storyline (which only takes me 2 days to do) and it is returned to me with comments, suggestions or revisions; I love walking in circles thinking about solving these problems. I know what movies to watch, what music to listen to, what to do to help me figure out how to solve these problems.

Lately, I've been watching movies with my Dad and brother again. I've been reading good books and I'm pacing around and thinking, really deeply thinking about people, the stories they tell me, my own stories, my own life and figuring out how best to tell their stories -- re-writing fact through fiction, keeping my mind sharp, honing my skills. It's really narrative that propels me. It's really narrative that drives me forward. That's my clear passion.

It feels like New Year's again.

(first picture taken in Boracay, exactly on midnight of January 1, 2006 by Paulino. That's Tals and me with a friendly American lady at the back.)

(Tals, Paulino and I on the morning of January 1, 2006 in Boracay, picture taken by Tals' friend Joao.)

posted by wanggo @ 4:47 PM