Indulgence

all or nothing

Charlotte Martin from Beautiful Life (written by Charlotte Martin)
The sun may come up and go down again
I'll still swear it's a beautiful life

I met up with a good friend that I haven't seen in a long time last night. Lance and I met up at Metrowalk and we just caught up and talked and talked. I found myself philosophizing again. I was talking about how I couldn't understand people who want to be artists (or something else, not necessarily artists) but prepare their fallback, saying just in case I fail. I really don't get that. Why do you think you're going to fail? Why are you even going to get into it if you didn't think you could make it work out? Why would you settle for anything else if that's what pumps your blood, makes you want to live, makes you enjoy life? You make it work out for you. It's all or nothing. I'll struggle and fight for it, but I'm not going to live any other life than that of a writer. If I fail and end up starving, then let that be may fate but I ain't going to accept any other kind of life. Any other kind of life would just be half, or even less than half of what I want my life to be.

When I graduated from High School, there was no question, I was going to take up Literature and become a writer. It didn't occur to me to take up Business or Advertising or Journalism, so that I could have a fall back just in case things didn't work out. If I took up Business or Advertising or Journalism, of course I'd fail as a writer because the things that I needed to become a good writer I'd learn by taking up Creative Writing or Literature. If I wanted to be an actor, I would have taken up Theatre Arts. If I wanted to be a designer I would have taken up Design. If I wanted to be a painter or a musician then I would have taken up Fine Arts or Music. I would want to be properly educated in the field I'd be involved in the rest of my life. It bothered me to see so many talented people back in college, people so talented in the arts taken up Business, Engineering or Biology (pre-med courses) but in their hearts, in their souls, they really wanted to paint, to write, to act or sing. I think of all that wasted time, learning a second discipline that they don't really like or aren't even interested in just to be able to have a fall back in case it didn't work out.

I've always believed that that which we love can sustain us. If you're good in something, it will provide for you. Maybe it won't make you rich, maybe it won't make you famous or powerful but then it would make you happy and you could make ends meet. Isn't that enough? We hear that all the time, I just want to be happy but they always think that making a lot of money will do that for them.

I've done other things and now I can't imagine doing anything else but writing. I can dabble, I can experiment but in the end, it is writing that will keep me happy. It is writing that I am truly passionate about. If that means I'll always be struggling, then let it be so. At least I can say that I've done everything I could to do what I want to do. All of a sudden, the image of the struggling artist is one of courage, of true dedication and devotion.

If you truly know what it is you want to do, then do it. No questions asked. All or nothing. Don't warm the body by staying close to the fire, throw your whole being into the pyre. There is nothing else in this world that's more worth it.

But then, maybe I can speak this way because I've been lucky. I'm luckier than most. There are circumstances where money comes before personal happiness. That is a situation that really, truly sucks. And anyway, you're never too old to start, to begin. But I just think of all the time that is lost in the process. I constantly think of the 4 years or so that I could've been doing what I've been doing now. All that wasted time. I could be where I am 4 years ago.

But it is never too late. And there are no guarantees and nothing is certain. You could fail, you could end up starving but I'd rather have that then say I kept myself from being everything I wanted to be. No one can make you be what you want to be; only you could. So do it. I'd rather have been alive then safe. Nothing happens to people when they are safe. The best things in life happened when you were vulnerable and at the precipice of failure, looking down at the depths to which you could fall. It is only then that you actually get to spread your wings and fly.

posted by wanggo @ 8:56 AM