We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties
Bugs Bunny
I like DEAD END signs. I think they're kind. They at least have the decency to let you know you're going nowhere.The computer's power source blew up. No particular reason. It was just old. But because of that, I've not been connected to the internet for weeks. Thank God our marketing manager hasn't been all there for the show because we haven't had a confirmed sponsor in a while so work has been a little lax. I kept myself busy doing other odd jobs for awhile. Anything to keep me afloat while I wait for this show to start.
Inertia sets in, you know? I can't stand this starting and then stopping and then waiting and then starting again. It's really killing my momentum and I need that to really throw myself into the work. Everytime I stop, I just stop and an object at rest will stay at rest until a greater force can get it moving again.
Human beings are just as susceptible to the laws of physics.
But I'm back on-line agian. Sorry for having signed off. We were experiencing technical difficulties. We now return you to your regular programming.
Brittle, Fragile
from
The FantasticksWho can explain the harvesting of the grain, or why we must all die a bit before we live again?I'm seeing the end of something here.
Ooh the drama queen strikes again! But I've gone through so much this year and there's a new shift in mind and emotional state. There are so many things said about when life is suppose to begin -- some say right after you graduate from college, some say at 25, others at 30. I'm saying 27 but then, that's because I'm going through another life lesson and coming out someone different.
Justify it! C'mon, Pisces, justify it! I'm coming around full circle and then finding myself in someone else's shoes and they're rather big and I'm scared to fill it out.
Oh please, you want it! Who are you kidding? You want it!I've been growing up. Everyone grows up. Some faster than others, others at a snail pace. I change so quickly, it scary. Sometimes I wonder if I can catch up.
Suck it up! Take it like a man! Just when I wanted to indulge in all that life has to offer, I find myself slowing down, chillin' out and taking it a little more steady. Yeah, you can indulge on the laid-back and on first gear but when you say the word
indulge you really are giving the idea of excess and extravagance. Throwing yourself and your whole being at the moment. I think I've been doing just that. But since I've really slowed down to 2nd gear (no longer at 5th), maybe, indulgence is no longer the theme of my life.
That's it, get introspective. Cull it for all it's worth. Make it work!Yeah, I'm seeing the end of something here. Sorry for this. But I have to find myself in a state of mind that allows for all these changes. A state of mind that doesn't actually get so confused when something big happens and things have to push since something is shoving. I'm too brittle, too fragile even at the moment of reformation. I come back new and whole again after these big events and yet, I'm still so susceptible to things changing me. I'm too much like water.
Too much metaphors! Too much! Say what you really feel. Keep it real! I got to find that state in which I can change and still be me and not be so affected and bothered by what goes on around me and how it affects me.
I'm slowly putting it all together.
You always are. You've never been whole enough long enough to have had a solid foundation for any kind of one being. You keep saying you are coalescing but a few months later you're all shattered and broken again. When is it going to end?Maybe this is the last time.
Why I Don't Blog So Much Anymore
William Blake
Joys impregnate. Sorrows bring forth.I don't post as often as I do and it's not because I have another blog at my multiply site. I have enough thoughts in the world to maintain 3 or 4 blogs at a time. I wish I could be paid to blog but then again, that's what you call a columnist; and I've been dying for one for the longest time but we don't always get what we want. So yeah, my unproductivity in terms of blogging has not been because I have a second one to maintain.
Far from the truth.
Work has been getting to me and it's been my life for a while. I'm still opinionated and could still yack away at other various stuff but my whole focus, right now, is getting the job done. We're at a precarious stage at the moment. Can't afford to lose my sights on the goal.
Also, I decided to try living more instead. Blogging takes about 20 minutes for me. Sitting in front of my computer with the blogger page open and then another window open either chatting with someone on-line or e-mailing or reading up on stuff in other sites, it is not an instantaneous thing. Blogging is something I do to help keep me from getting zoned out. As I'm typing this, I'm also reading some e-mails. Go figure.
But it is still 20 minutes or so of my life and so much can happen in 20 minutes. People experiences their greatest joys and deepest regrets in a matter of seconds. I could be out there doing something amazing instead of sitting in front of my computer and basking in the radiation that is supposedly coming out of the computer monitor.
Instead of blogging everyday, why not live more and then blog less. Just blog more substantial stuff and not every fluff that enters my head? There's so much more to do than record that which is happening in our lives. Let our memories of our time together be the record; that is enough. There is time enough later on to put it down into writing. Why not just enjoy the heat of the moment?
Or maybe I'm just in denial that I'm all about work again and that's the only thing on my mind as of the moment. Maybe I'm just in denial that things are becoming routinary again. But that's not true, either. Geez! I could tell you what happened to me in the weekend, but then, I'd probably get shot with what I would have to reveal. No, I'm not living a boring life. It's just a life I'd like to savour more, personally and intimately than to share it right away and turn it into some anecdote; another story in the life of...
Let's do some more living, that's what I say.
The Big Man Upstairs
As texted to me by my Dad
Time to check: Is there anything you have forgotten in your life? What's missing? Do you miss it at all?I finally got to do it. Kudos to my brother for making it happen, but finally, I've been able to go to church today. Ever since I got back from Australia, I started getting this burning desire to give thanks for everything that I've gotten so far and to have made it this far, in the first place. I wanted to go to mass to show my gratitude.
Many people who know me well, knows that I am not a religious person. Some people even think I'm an atheist. Not true. I am a theist; I do believe in a God, but I'm not a Catholic, I don't believe in that particular God. I think the term for myself is Agnostic. I do believe in a higher power yet I'm still not sure who or what he is. There is no definition because a being capable of creating a universe from scratch, a being whose imagination is so immense and infinite that he/she could create 8 billion different individuals just amazes me. How can I understand what he is?
So my relationship with my creator is diffferent than most and I don't usually talk about it. I like to project this heathen, devil-may-care, "I'm evil" sort of attitude but in truth, I'm very awed and inspired by The Big Man Upstairs. It's a very personal relationship. There are moments when I just give in and say,
Damn it, God, that's a gorgeous sunset.After everything I've been through this year, all the ups and downs and all the craziness, I'm just glad to still be alive. Things could be better but I'm stronger now and I'm wiser now. I get to have a chance to make things right, you know? Not many people have that chance and I want to say thank you.
And for something like this, it isn't just some closing of the eyes and saying it to Him, like I usually do, no, this is different. My thank you needs to come off as sincere as it really is and if that means I have to wake up early and go to mass and do the rituals, I'll do it. Just so I'm sure that this time, when I thank Him, He'll hear it loud and clear.
Another Shuffle
As texted to me by my Dad
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.There was another crazy shuffle at work last night but I hope this time, it's the last. There's too much to do and very little time left for new changes. We're all at the brink now and if someone falls over, others will have to catch `em. If you are all at the cliff's edge, hanging by your finger nails and then someone falls, you only have 1 hand with which to catch them with. If you use both, you'll both fall down.
It was a very strange night last night as the shuffling continued and then stopped; we began working on solutions. Then my direct superior began to break down. It was very strange. She's much older than me and she was talking and talking and not making any sense. I wanted to leave because my presence there was no longer needed but at the same time I couldn't because doing so would've made obvious what was not being said: what was happening before me was embarrassing and, in a sad way, completely unnecessary. Her direct superior, who happens to have a streak of sadism and the "know-it-all" syndrome was genuinely trying to help her sort out the mess in her head. The problem was, his approach only managed to fuel the fire of her confusion. She was becoming hostile and emotional. It wasn't a pretty sight.
I wanted to leave but she asked me to be there and hold her hand through this. I had no idea she had fallen. At that moment, I reached out and grabbed her and holding us both at the cliff's edge with the other hand.
It was a very heavy moment. Surprisingly enough, though, much good came from the whole thing. Her direct superior was able to get through to her, finally and let her know that she was just panicking, she was getting over-whelmed, she should just rest. Teary-eyed, she stood up and thanked him. All her efforts were recognized, at the least and her problems have solutions, she just needs to focus and put herself back together.
On the way home, she asked my opinion and I gave it to her. I walked her home, telling her how I felt and in the end, found myself instructing her what to do when she starts feeling over-whelmed again. I started telling her how to deal with her bosses and how best to not have to enter that kind of situation again. I was talking to her as if she were a college student and I was the mentor. The weirdness of the situation dawned on me a few minutes in when I realised she was at least 2 decades older than me.
I gave her a big hug and kissed her and told her that things will be easier, things are going to get better.
We won't let her fall, I told her. Life is strange, sometimes. You think you're so tired yet you find the strength in you to be strong for someone else when you need to be. And age really is just a number, not any real form of indication of how mature people can be. Different types of people, all shuffled together and then passed around like playing cards. Sometimes, we keep what we need and replace `em with new stuff, or you feel confident enough to play with the hands you're dealt with and then sometimes, you're folded because it isn't enough to play the game.
