Indulgence

Brittle, Fragile

from The Fantasticks
Who can explain the harvesting of the grain, or why we must all die a bit before we live again?

I'm seeing the end of something here. Ooh the drama queen strikes again! But I've gone through so much this year and there's a new shift in mind and emotional state. There are so many things said about when life is suppose to begin -- some say right after you graduate from college, some say at 25, others at 30. I'm saying 27 but then, that's because I'm going through another life lesson and coming out someone different. Justify it! C'mon, Pisces, justify it! I'm coming around full circle and then finding myself in someone else's shoes and they're rather big and I'm scared to fill it out. Oh please, you want it! Who are you kidding? You want it!

I've been growing up. Everyone grows up. Some faster than others, others at a snail pace. I change so quickly, it scary. Sometimes I wonder if I can catch up. Suck it up! Take it like a man! Just when I wanted to indulge in all that life has to offer, I find myself slowing down, chillin' out and taking it a little more steady. Yeah, you can indulge on the laid-back and on first gear but when you say the word indulge you really are giving the idea of excess and extravagance. Throwing yourself and your whole being at the moment. I think I've been doing just that. But since I've really slowed down to 2nd gear (no longer at 5th), maybe, indulgence is no longer the theme of my life. That's it, get introspective. Cull it for all it's worth. Make it work!

Yeah, I'm seeing the end of something here. Sorry for this. But I have to find myself in a state of mind that allows for all these changes. A state of mind that doesn't actually get so confused when something big happens and things have to push since something is shoving. I'm too brittle, too fragile even at the moment of reformation. I come back new and whole again after these big events and yet, I'm still so susceptible to things changing me. I'm too much like water. Too much metaphors! Too much! Say what you really feel. Keep it real! I got to find that state in which I can change and still be me and not be so affected and bothered by what goes on around me and how it affects me.

I'm slowly putting it all together. You always are. You've never been whole enough long enough to have had a solid foundation for any kind of one being. You keep saying you are coalescing but a few months later you're all shattered and broken again. When is it going to end?

Maybe this is the last time.

posted by wanggo @ 6:12 PM