Indulgence

Starting Over

Anonymous
Life is drawing with an eraser.

I felt every day of September pass. It was a long month for me. Day after day, the gruelling struggle for survival rages on. There wasn't that much to do in September. Most of the time I was waiting for things to happen. Things that were scheduled that never pushed through. There's something rotten in Denmark and it is not the fish! I can't stand this, the sudden rush of work and then the static energy that suddenly takes over when I receive texts that there is no shoot tomorrow or there is no edit tomorrow.

It's inertia. An object at rest will remain at rest until a greater force can force it into motion. I like working and I like the long hours. I like trying to figure out when I can meet my friends during my busy schedule and finding the time and making it work out. The problem is I lose my momentum and when the momentum is lost, the desire is quickly gone. It's gotta maintain otherwise, I just lose my nerve.

And things are moving so slowly right now for the show that I've started thinking, really thinking about what other options I have. Why work in an industry where I am not wanted? They want me to write formula movies with song titles for the title of the movie. Yuck! Blech! I'd rather barf. They want me to write formula, uninteresting things for the sake of keeping the status quo. Nobody in the industry wants to do anything good or new. The public is demanding what they want to see and the industry doesn't deal with them, they play along. It's become all about the money and that is sad to me. That is really sad.

So I've started asking myself if this is really what I want to get into. After all, the people who did offer me projects to do something different, to write something new, have all faltered and fallen away. They couldn't get their act together or, if not, they couldn't bring up the finances to. Sad. Very sad.

So now I have to really think very carefully what I want to do with the rest of my life. Some serious questions arise and I really have to consider this properly.

And then, I go to Astrology Zone by Susan Miller to discover what is in store for me on October and lo and behold! This is what she says:

The new month will be just what you need: a calm, quiet environment that will
allow you to sort out life's recent changes and to make new plans.

My God! She just read my mind. But there's more! She says:

Eclipses in Pisces and Virgo will allow you to see yourself in a fresh light and
to shape your life in a new way. This would be necessary now, even if you liked your old life. If there is anything that is constant in the universe it is that everything changes.

Now that is frightening. Not that I am not accustommed to change. I'm always changing. But I know this won't do anything with my friendships. This isn't about my friendships or my lifestyle but my career. I'm not yet willing or ready to leave the country. Not when I just found a great group of people I really enjoy being with and that I've rediscovered 2 old friends and a new one that has come along and we are re-establishing ties that will not be so easily cut, not like before.

If I am to pursue this dream of making movies, it would most probably not be here. Not at the onset. I've got to go where my stories are wanted. My friend Daniel said that I shouldn't give up but just slow down. Pretty good advice, if I may say so. So I'm not abandoning the dream. I'm just going to take a slight detour to make everything right again. Give myself a better foundation to make it all happen.

This change I am welcoming. It will force me to be more flexible, to stretch myself and push myself to the very limits. I've wrestled with the fabulous and the bohemian and the daring and I didn't win but it doesn't mean I won't win. I will now wrestle with the mundane and the banal, the routine and the processes of everyday life and conquer it. And when I do, and I'm ready and stable and secure, the fight will begin again.

I'm thinking of it as training myself all over again. Starting from scratch to improve and add on more of what there is in me. The better to tackle the difficulties of my later fights, the one I've desperately been losing these past 2 years. There are more than 1 road to any destination. I'm pretty sure it doesn't say that we can only take the road we've chosen. We can stray from the path and find the other route and still get there. The journey is just as important as the arrival. And part of the journey is taking as many paths as it takes to get to the finish line. So I may have taken a longer route than others; what's important is I get there and I had fun and became a more well-rounded person in the process.

posted by wanggo @ 1:55 AM