Indulgence

Ecology

Tanita Tikaram from I Might Be Crying (words and music by Tanita Tikaram)
Yeah, I might be needing you
The need it doesn't end

I've got so much work and I'm very thankful for it. Thankful because once again, I feel useful to the world; that I'm doing my part and that I'm part of the bigger picture. I'm a cog in the machine, I'm part of the system. It's ecology -- how one thing is inter-related to something else. I'm a writer. I cannot be just an observer. I have to be a part of what is happening so that I can then, later on, step away and then write about it. An observer may be able to see everything, from so many different sides, but he would be hard-pressed to explain the heart of it all. That's the one thing I don't want to have a difficulty with; the ability to express the heart of it all.

It's the connection that I'm after, you know? It's why I want to be a writer.

I've begun to enjoy my solitude and I've learned that there are times when I have to be by myself -- walk around the mall alone, eat dinner out alone, watch a movie alone. Give myself time to just get to know myself again, find out what I need and to coalesce, to get back together and just put myself back at peace.

But the rest of the time, I have to be out there and interacting with people. I always have to have my finger at the pulse of how a person is thinking or feeling. I have to be constantly receiving this kind of information, trying to figure out how it all fits in in the larger scheme of things and then figuring out if it fits in at all? I am constantly trying to define this life, this world, this reality based on my own experiences and from other people. And then, I try to bring it out and tell the world what I've discovered.

That's what I like to do. That's why I write. That's why I like to talk and share about myself, so that others will share themselves with me. That's why I love movies and music and books. That's why I find myself texting people out of the blue and asking them how they are and then calling them up and just talking, for the sake of. It's connection. It's ecology.

posted by wanggo @ 4:50 PM