Indulgence

the first rain of May

Indigo Girls from Dairy Queen (written by Amy Ray)
The love you gave was not for free
But the price was truly fair
I never felt so glad to be
So well spent and so beyond repair

There's this superstition or whatnot that says if you bathe in the first rain of May, all your past hurts and the pain washes away. Some beliefs say that you will be showered with money if you allow yourself to be wet by the first rain of May. I always believed that. I remember, with my family, when we would catch the first rain of May, we'd run outside and let ourselves be drenched underneath the cold water falling from the sky.

There was a time I was in Bacolod taking a scriptwriting class being taught by my father and Dr. Elsa Coscolluela. It was May and someone rushed in saying that it had begun to rain. My father stopped the class for awhile so that we could rush out and stand under the rain.

Looking back, I've never been particularly rich at any point in my life because of the rain. There were times that I was but it was inconsistent. I did this superstition every year and found myself not blessed by any sort of mystical fortune nor has any of the pains and hurt been removed from my being. I still felt it after.

I was writing scripts an hour or so prior to this entry and heard the rain begin to pour outside the window. This time, I had no desire to rush out and spread my arms out and close my eyes submitting to the shower and the magick it is suppose to bless all those who embrace its coming. This time, like how I decided how I was to spend my New Year's, was to forego all these free blessings from age-old beliefs. I decide to take this world by the reins and make it all about the actions that I do and leave nothing to chance or to the kindness of the fortunes, the spirits or any other supernatural force.

I've never won the lottery. I'm not the type. Deep inside, some bitterness taking over, I always felt that maybe God never meant for me to be lucky because everything I need, I can acquire by my own will and the skills I was given. I don't need freebies or the generosity of chance; all I need is to want something bad enough and work for it and it will be mine. It can be mine. I don't know whether that belief is true or even fair but it has allowed me to be less angry at the good fortune of others. It has allowed me to believe in myself.

I also told my Mom, wrote her an e-mail and said that I feel that any luck I had, I emptied by being born in this family, by being born her son. If it were not for the open-mindedness, the generosity and love I've received growing up, I wouldn't be the person I am today. And despite all the trouble and hardships I'm going through now, I like who I am and I'm proud of what I have accomplished and what is yet to be. I was nurtured and all my potentials were nourished ever so lovingly by my mother and father.

I've received letters and texts telling me to greet my mom a Happy Mother's Day from them because they feel that if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be here in this world. And I know they don't just mean that if it weren't for her I wouldn't exist but that if it weren't for the way she brought me up, I wouldn't be the way I am now. A lot of what I am has to do with my family. And for that, they are grateful as I am.

She nurtured my fantasies and let me read, write and dance. She exposed me to so much and I had all the world to choose from and in a way, without ever having to say so, she said the world is yours, take it.

And so I will, Mom. I will.

posted by wanggo @ 5:22 AM