Indulgence

a slight detour

Henry Thoreau
To have friends makes the world seem spacious. At a distance they form longitudes and latitudes.

I've been completely a total mess. And I've also been a total drag. I've been walking around with a frown on my face. Everywhere I go, I am hounded by personal choices that have proven to me that they were bad choices. I've been making a lot of mistakes. I've been taking myself for granted; letting sentimentality direct the course of my life and so, I'm currently in a big mess and totally unhappy and burnt out.

I hate myself when I'm like this. I really, truly hate myself when I'm like this.

So in order not to include everyone in my little "pity party" as my brother likes to put it, I want to go and talk about other things.

I remember growing up, never really fitting in in school because I was this new kid who couldn't speak Filipino (only English) and I had this family name, this over-whelming family name. It was a horrible stigma to remove. I felt so off, I felt so alien. It was really tough. This was from the 2nd grade to the 6th grade.

Eventually, at High School, things changed a bit. My Filipino was still dismal but by then, people had already gotten used to me. I was also able to provide a certain service that allowed me to not be treated horribly in school. I wrote magazine and book reports for free. Apparently, there were people out there who would charge a certain amount to write their magazine and book reports and since I made them for free they were grateful. They didn't treat me as badly as they would've. I guess I was an easy target.

Later, when I was a sophomore, I found myself a group of friends through random seating arrangements that kind of liked my company. We hung out all the time and were pretty much together all the time. They insisted calling it a samahan and not a barkada, apparently there was a difference. I didn't care that they were making what we had smaller than what I wanted it to be. I was just happy to have a group of friends. I felt normal and I felt like I belonged.

I remember we would plan all these trips and we'd go out of town to Laguna and rent a hot spring the whole day and go swimming. We would bring food -- spaghetti we cooked at home and barbeque that we marinated before leaving Manila that we grilled there. I remember renting a Sarao jeep to be with us the whole day and the long drive all the way to Laguna. We opened a tumbler of cheese curls and threw it at each other when we couldn't eat anymore.

At the hot springs, we would go swimming and splash water at each other and do things high school kids do, I guess. We didn't smoke and drink, though, that wasn't our trip. I don't know. Where we innocent and leaning towards the good side or was it just really a more innocent time? We started drinking at senior year and I started smoking after college already. It just wasn't our thing.

I even remember coming home from Laguna, that was December 16, 1993. I promised I would never forget that day, I haven't. There was a huge city-wide blackout. Apparently, a huge school of jelly fish found themselves right at the fan-belt of the hydrogen plant or whatever; I don't quite remember the exact details but I know jelly fish clogged the turning things at the power plant and caused a huge breakdown of machinery and caused an 8 hour or so blackout in the entire city. Without electricity, the city was plunged into darkness and without working signal lights there was a traffic jam that ended all traffic jams. I remember being stuck on the EDSA to Ortigas fly-over, staying at the same spot for 3 hours. We were so bored, we ate all the left-overs of food and even had a food fight with the food that we couldn't finish. We threw chocolate cake at each other, filled each others shoes with cheese curls and washed up after with ice. It was hilarious (at the time) watching my friend step out of the jeep to wipe the windshield of the car behind us because a friend dodged a piece of cake turned projectile. It fell straight into the windshield of the car. I remember it was a black car. I remember how funny it was. I have a big smile on my face now.

The things you remember. I don't hear from those people anymore. It's been a long time. I don't try to get in touch with them, either. I bet we are all different people now, leading different lives. I don't know if any of them are the types of people who would throw chocolate cake at anyone.

I don't know if I'm the type of person who'd throw chocolate cake at anyone. I don't know if I want to do that; times are hard these days. That would be just so wasteful. I'd rather eat it, save it for later. But then again, I was so much younger then and had little worries other than getting good grades. I could be a little frivolous now, if only I could afford to be.

It's a good memory. My fantasies don't alleviate the problems of my reality. They only serve to frustrate me more. So I return to memories that cannot hurt me. These are times so long ago and have no connection to me anymore. I'm no longer affected by them.

They are my respite for these horrible days that have descended upon me...

posted by wanggo @ 10:43 PM