Indulgence

a moment to myself

Macy Gray from A Moment to Myself
Here in this moment to myself
I'm gonna vibe with no one else
There is a conversation I need to have with me
It's just a moment to myself

I haven't had a chance to enjoy quiet moments with myself. For the past 2 weeks, I haven't had a chance to just take a long breath and enjoy this life I'm living. I'm so caught up in the day-to-day that I feel like I'm about to just break; and I mean that in the literal sense. I feel that any day, my bones are just going to shatter and my flesh and skin will just flop into the ground, formless; almost like jelly.

I've been taking in so much work because I really need the money to try and pay all the debts I owe. I've got a lot of debts right now, all stemming from the life I used to lead and the money I used to make, being down-graded to earning less on a monthly basis. I've been able to be practical and have decreased to a degree some of my expenditures but there are some commitments that cannot be so easily dropped -- such as the lease to my condominium. I have to finish the one year contract I signed. At the same time, to be completely honest, I did not cut back on some of my luxuries right away. It all caught up with me.

So I've been jumping from one job to the next; waiting for the day that I can collect all my payments and pay everybody back and just end up in a clean slate. I won't be rich like I would be after all this work, but at least I won't be indebted to anyone at the end of the day; and right now, that will be able to make me get through and sleep better at nights.

And so I jump and jump and I'm just dealing with so many people all at the same time and most of the time, the schedules intersect and over-lap and the desire to be at two places at one time start to spring and you wish that it could happen and that it would be true on your case. You could accomplish so much and that would be great. But that's not the way the world works. You have to work around the rules the universe has given us. I am only one. So I have to work around that.

And so I am thinking heavily about the options that lay before me now. I had to let go of another project that came up because I don't want to spread myself too thin. Already, I am unable to sleep at home -- been sleeping at the office, sleeping on a couch for the past 2 days. I haven't done my laundry and I haven't had time to fill out my moving out form in the condominium. I can't even imagine a day that I can move out of my place. It's horrible.

And while I search for the company of family and friends in which to unload all my anxiety, anger and frustrations and yet I feel that instead of spending my free time with them; I should be saving time to just be alone and think things through. Just to remember what it is like to be me; the real me and not the me that handles problems and the me that has to be creative for a particular purpose. I find myself retreating to fantasy worlds when I'm in transit from one job to the next.

No, I'm not in a good place right now. I'm a mess and people can see it. There is no hiding this kind of inner turmoil. But I have to get things done. Time is not something we can twist and turn to our advantage. Mine is running out.

posted by wanggo @ 5:35 PM