Indulgence

Onion Boy

Holly Cole from Onion Girl (written by L. Harding and J. Hull)
I'm naked, shameless and peeling back the layers
Like an onion girl
Don't try to save me
Just stay away
Because I might make you cry

Paraphrased from a conversation from last night: I'm a drama queen and I'm self-centered and self-absorbed. I can talk for days and I am my own favourite topic. I can talk about myself for days.

Paraphrased from another conversation from last night: I'm not a player. I'm very transparent and honest. I know exactly what I'm getting myself into and I let them know what they're getting into. It's just sex. It's basic and primal and carnal. I want to keep my distance after. No one wants to be reminded how carnal they become. It's them who get attached. So if that makes me a man-bitch, so be it. At least I was honest from the very start.

It's easier for me, I guess, to segregate people into particularly categories. After all, I can't possibly indulge everyone, right? And I can't possibly spend an equal amount of time with everyone and not that I would want to. I would like to spend more time with family but find myself allowing that time to be eaten up by work. I do so enjoy my friend's company; after all, they were chosen for the very fact that we connect on similar interests. We engage with each other in the terms which we both choose.

So I suppose it may have been a mistake to get to know people on-line. But can I really be faulted for not being as intimate and personal as they want me to be? And just because I answer all questions honestly, truthfully and as forward as I do, it's not some form of invitation to my life. It's just the way I am. I'm a very open-book sort of person. I'll tell you on the on-set what it I'm all about. And I like to engage in the getting to know you blah-blahs with strangers because there is always that level of mystery. Like onions, you start peeling back the layers and seeing what the insides are made of. Does that mean I lead people on? I hope not.

Paraphrased from a conversation from last night: Sorry, I don't want to meet with you.

Painful, I know but I'm not the kind of person who can please everybody. In a way, I've begun to learn that important lesson of saying no, in efforts to save myself precious time; and in all honestly, to save the other person precious time as well. After all, when I'm not in the mood, I can really turn a fantastic moment into something quite akin to a nightmare. It's just the way I am.

I keep telling everyone that I'm not looking for a relationship. That all the mental and emotional stimulation, I get from my friends and family and colleagues. In a way, that's why I engage in casual sex, to get the physical intimacy that is lacking in the over-all scheme of my relationships. If that makes me a shallow person, then so be it. But there are people out there who want just that and so, the end result? I don't think I'm harming anyone. Everything is made bare and all the cards have been dealt, face-up. I'm not screwing with anyone's head or heart. So, in a way, I can't stand that assesment and judgment from people I've just met regarding my character. I'm much deeper and complex than you'll ever suspect as I can be as shallow and superficial as everybody else.

As I have said before, don't put me in a box. I won't be able to fit it in. Trust me. My very nature, as a person, will force me to do things out of character just to make that statement true.

So yeah, I maybe someone who needs taking care of but remember, I'm tougher than most and I'm pretty much set in my ways. I love my freedom and I will respect and honour yours. I will make you cry. I can make it worth it but I demand you work for it, if that's what you want. This is a declaration to no one in particular.

I'm not an easy person to be with, you can ask my friends and family, they'll tell you but I do have my shining moments. I'm a better friend than a lover. You got to be as tough as I am and just as complex. That's why I'm not looking. That's why I will no longer hunt.

This is a declaration to no one in particular. Let it be heard.

posted by wanggo @ 3:01 PM