Indulgence

wanting and not getting and wanting too much

Jellaludim Rumi
Wind, and a tree gently waving. Remembrance and the heart -- leaves tremble.

There are ups and downs in life. There are moments when it is just the most amazing thing to be alive -- the exhiliration of happiness and joy and bliss when you're having a really good day or when you've just accomplished something wonderfully hard and fulfilling or when you are just having a simple day. And then there is the flipside -- those moments when you can't believe how the day is going, how everything just seems to not go your way and nothing can cheer you up because there is no reason to, things are just bad and ugly and messy.

But that's life. It comes with the territory of being able to feel and having a normal human experience. Sometimes it rains when you're walking down the street, going to a meeting and you can't find a shade or a cab or a jeep to take you to where you want to. Sometimes the checks never come and sometimes people are out of reach. But you cannot say that there were days when everything came like clockwork or when they were messy, all the answers came to you as fast as a bolt of lightning. Those moments when there is nothing wrong with the world and you could say that you have not a problem in the world.

We could try to wish there were more of the latter than the former. But these things are not in our control, has never been in our control. We never had control. Getting through life has always been about how well we can weather the storm and how well we can react to what life throws at us, and later on, how well we can take what we have been given -- good or bad, and turn it to our favour. Sometimes it is really easy and sometimes, it just seems impossible.

I'm reminded of a Garbage song, The Trick is to Keep Breathing. Yeah, that's it, really. The trick is to keep breathing, the trick is to keep moving on, the trick is to do what you need to do to get by and if you find yourself doing crazy things, make sure that you haven't hurt anyone in the way and apologize to those who you may have hurt as you are trying to get by. Because I find it hard to believe that you are going through this world with no one loving you, concerned and worrying for you. And sometimes, these people are the ones we don't really notice, are the ones you ignore as you mope in the darkness asking why everything is so fucked up.

KT Tunstall from Other Side of the World (written by KT Tunstall and Martin Terefe)
On comes the panic light
Holding on with fingers and feelings alike
But the time has come
To move along

The fire fades away
Most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're the other side of the world to me

I've fall in love with Grey's Anatomy and it is probably my favourite show on Earth right now. I've finished watching the first 2 seasons and I just immediately related to Meredith Grey and company but most of all with Meredith Grey and how dificult it is to focus on trying to just do everything right and still try and get what you want.

I am just amazed how the writers of the show seem to be talking to me in every episode they write. They reach to me, speak to me in particular and all of a sudden, the answers come in very clearly. I find myself unable to turn the DVD player off, crying after every second or third episode and my emotions toyed with as every plot turn twists and every line uttered.

In the end, I realise that a lot of my problems stem from the fact that there is so much that I want. It's the wanting and the not getting that really got to me, that threw me into the depressed stupor that I am in... that I'm getting out of. The only reason that it was easy for me to be with Jay and company and the Planetzips crew is that everything I want from them I get or they give me. I don't feel the pain of wanting and not getting. With everybody else, it seems that there is still something I'm not getting and it could be from something oblique to that person -- not necessarily something I want from them but they remind me of it, of one of those many things I'm not getting. And I couldn't deal. I just couldn't handle it.

Yeah, I realised all of this from watching Grey's Anatomy and I thought I'd understand it from reading a book or the poetry of Rumi or listening to music but this time around, I got this revelation from a television show. I don't know why I find that really funny.

Sheryl Crow from Where Has All the Love Gone (written by Sheryl Crow and Jeff Trott)
Sometimes the world's a scary ride
It's hard to hand on
Along the way we got off track
Now, if we turn around
Could we ever get back?

I didn't mind wanting too much before because I like feeling alive. It was important to me, important for me to feel like I am alive because otherwise it wouldn't make any sense, to be here and not feel anything. My feelings justify me, justify my existence. I'm not letting go of that. It is the reason why I got so hurt and I was thrown to the floor -- because I allowed myself to feel too much and when it seemed that everything I wanted I wasn't going to get, I just crumbled, I just fell apart.

The trick is to keep breathing. The trick is to keep moving on. The trick is to do everything you can to get by, as long as you don't hurt others along the way. The trick is to not want too much at any one moment and when the hurt starts to learn how to roll with the punches or to take it like a man or if not, cry and grieve and then let it go.

I've almost let this whole month be consumed by this anger, this bitterness. If I go through my blog, I'm sure I'll discover it was for much longer than that. I'm not going to forget it but I'm going to let it go. I'm going to keep breathing. I'm going to move on. I'm going to get by and not hurt others along the way. I'm going to continue to want things and when I don't get them, cry and grieve, roll with the punch and take it like a man. That's all there is really left to do.

Pick up the pieces and move on. I'm pretty good at that.

posted by wanggo @ 5:57 PM