Indulgence

moments of grace

Roisin Murphy from Love in the Making
Each man must stand alone
Walk alone along a road
Of his own making
Can't turn your back
On your particular ending

I get home and turn on the computer to do some writing and lo and behold! The internet is working. And then, an hour or so later it just dies on me while I'm sending mail and downloading some stuff that I need. Great! Nice exclamation point!

In my anger I started defragmenting the computer and then stepped out to watch television and then I caught Jerry Maguire and I got hooked. So I was watching and then that fantastic scene in the backyard when Dorothy (Renee Zelwegger) comes out and finally tells him that it is all her fault, their relationship, how she took advantage of his vulnerability and his "sense of responsibility" and thought that she could "love enough for the both of us" was just tremendous. I was brought to tears and I was crying and crying. Had I the strength and the clarity to see things as such; maybe I wouldn't be so messed up. It was amazing. The lines, the words, were just so on the mark. It's movie dialogue, I guess, we are never so lucid, so articulate in the moments of pain.

But then, there are times, when we are struck with moments of grace; those amazing moments when the words come and they are exactly what needs to be said at that time. It's chilling; how everything works out for one moment -- the right words, the right look, the right tap on the shoulder and the right cock of the head to the side. It happens, when everything just seems to be perfect at that point.

I remember a lot of those moments and most of the time, it comes to me or to my friends in great stress. All of a sudden one of us is crying (or near that point) and one or the other is explaining their situation so clearly that it is mapped out completely from start to finish. Both know what the hell is going on and why one is crying and the other has to remain strong and then, with only but a second, the other speaks and gives a truth, that is both painful yet so simple that it is understood despite the anger and the hate and bitterness and frustration. Those words that somehow just peel away the ugliness and everything is just right. Everything is just right.

I remember 2 years ago when things broke down for me and the Spaceman and I found myself in Paolo's condo, talking to Paolo, Anne and Ayet and we were just sharing stories and it was perfect. We spent around 4 or 5 hours just talking about, breaking it down to these moments. It was amazing. These stories of how one person broke our hearts and how we just realised it was over. We connected. They didn't say because life is like that which is usually difficult to swallow. They shared what happened to them, something similar, or something that evokes the same amount of pain and bitterness and frustration and it was something I can chew.

Yeah, life is like that. It is messy and painful and frustrating. But, I guess, we need to see it, hear it, feel it from someone else to be able to digest it.

That's why I like movies so much or music or books. When they are well done, I can see it and feel it and hear it. I'm experiencing it again but from someone else's point-of-view and then I know that yeah, life is like that. It's messy and painful and frustrating. But we all go through it. And we continue to walk on, put another step forward and just keep walking onwards to wherever we are going to end up. How can you give up when everyone is taking that next step forward?

I love those moments of grace. Sitting in the balcony, just the two of you, each with his or her bottle of beer and a cigarette. Or both sitting in the sand, at the beach, holding your glass of rum coke and getting fanned by the wind, underneath the stars. Or sitting at the curb of the road, clouds forming and it's about to rain and your staring at the pavement, side-by-side. The words come out and they are just what you needed to say, just what you wanted to hear.

Sometimes, you're sitting in your living room watching Jerry Maguire and you hear the words and it hits you in the gut and it's about something else entirely but you are reeling from the hurt and you know that yeah, it's not okay right now, but it will be, like it was a few days ago, or 2 years ago or 10 years ago. It's not always down and it's not always bad and it's not always painful. You go on.

What else can you do?

posted by wanggo @ 3:58 AM