Indulgence

The State In-Between Hopeful and Jaded

Chicane from Stoned in Love (written by Nick Bracegirdle, Ray Hedges, Tom Jones, John Pickering, Nigel Butler)
You're stoned in love but not with me

Good luck, cause we're not feeling stoned in love
It's how I'm feeling now
I feel the love is made of stone
We're not feeling stoned in love

I just have to say that my current favourite song of the moment is Chicane's Stoned in Love featuring the amazing Tom Jones on vocals. What an amazing track! It's catchy, it's powerful and intense and it sure makes me dance and sing along. I can't get it out of my head.

Of course, I'm still not sure exactly what it means but I'm sure it's about realising that the relationship isn't working out. I don't know why stoned in love if that has any meaning towards being stoned, as in having taken weed and if that's a good thing or not. But definitely, with the words you're stoned in love but not with me means that they aren't giving the love to each other now, are they?

I have to admit, letting go of certain things made it easier for me to just be happier. I thought letting go of my conservative view on casual sex would lead me to stress about it less and while I have found myself not obsessing about love or intimacy or relationships, the search for gratification, whether permanent or temporary is just totally not within my capacity as a human being to deal with or figure out. I just don't know how or why it is so easy for other people. I can't figure it out at all!

So while I'm still open to the idea of casual sex, just so that I don't stress out on it anymore, I am, once again, letting go of picking up people on-line. The pay-off is just not worth it. It's not what I'm looking for.

I'm somewhere in that state between love and indifference, that state in-between hopeful and jaded. I'm in that space between all fed up and wanting more.

It's gonna be hard, really, since I don't go out anymore. There was that one instance where I really wanted to go out and stuff but it's gone now. It will be awhile before I'll have that rush to go out again. I don't know how I'm suppose to meet new people, especially if I prefer to spend my time at home or at Jay's or hanging out with the Planetzips crew during classes (which I haven't been attending because of the rains and being under the weather and all).

I don't know where I am right now, in terms of wanting or not wanting a relationship. I'm not obsessing over it, which is good. I'm not closing my doors to it, which is good. But despite being in a good place emotionally and mentally, how come I feel that this is all not good.

I don't know what I need. I don't know what I want. I am at the crux of change. I thought I had changed already but I realise I'm still at the stage of transformation. I'm still inside the chrysalis. I have yet to free myself of the cocoon.

I know this is a good thing but I'm scared of what will be revealed.

posted by wanggo @ 8:02 AM