Indulgence

on the top of the world

a text from my Dad
Wealth is no mark of cosmic favor. Poverty is no mark of divine judgment. They are, however, the two great tests of character.

I was on top of the world. On eye-level were the clouds. In the distance, I could see the South China Sea. It was wonderful. It was beautiful. The cold bit right down to the bones. I was wrapped up tight. I had a bonnet on my head, jacket around my body and very warm jogging pants and I was still freezing. And I could still see the clouds right before me. When sunset began, the sky (the patches of it not covered by clouds) burst into a magenta and purple colour. It was breath-taking. I think I died at that moment and was reborn instantly. I only lost approximately 3 seconds of time. But it was worth it.

I come back down with my right ear refusing to pop (from the air pressure) and a really bad cold. But that was okay. I had an experience that I would never forget. The start of something lasting and powerful.

The following day, I had my last zips class for the year and then I went to a marvelous party where I only knew 2 people. I had a lovely time and enjoyed myself silly. More on that some other time.

I was on top of the world and I died and was reborn. I saw the sky turn a bright magenta and the clouds were in front of me and beneath me. The world could be balanced with my two hands stretched out. And I lost that sense of divinity by choosing to make stupid decisions openly; with full realisation of what it is I'm doing. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I should've seen it coming but I didn't want to. I wanted to see the game played out until the very end and though I didn't lose much, I didn't come out the victor, either. I just have a really bad habit of allowing people to take advantage of me, of using me. It's not as bad as before; but it's still pretty bad, regardless of the degrees.

Here I am, always talking a tough talk about what I'm worth and I allow myself these stupid moments of weakness. I don't know why. It's almost as if I need to do something idiotic every once in a while. It's like I have a fucking quota or something.

And when you've been on the top of the world; it's a long way down to fall. I have managed to fling my arms and caught an outcropping with the barest of my fingertips and I'm hanging. I'm hanging.

posted by wanggo @ 3:27 PM