Indulgence

family first

John Fuller
For we have stripped away the year
with grief and work, and found it's heart,
Something with which to perservere,
Something with which to make a start,
Something we knew we might find here.

I arrived home to find it quiet. I thought my brother and sister had fallen asleep. I opened my door and put on my music softly, just loud enough for me to hear it and began practising with my zips. Zip, zip, zip. I really, really want to learn how to do the behind the back weave. So I was trying, hitting my legs and head every now and then. When I would get it, I'd try it again and then fumble. After a while, I turned off all the lights and practised with my light zips. In the darkness, I could really see the full effect of the neon lights flying around the dark living room (empty of furniture, good for zipping).

Then my brother and sister-in-law came in. They watched The Chronicles of Narnia, The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. We sat around for a bit and talked about the movie. Then Kristi went to sleep and Datu and I continued talking. We talked and talked. We talked and before I knew it, it was really, really late. We had talked for hours!

I really love my family. I'm so glad, that in the past few months, I've been working on strengthening my relationship with my family again. Time and time again, especially when I was younger, I would run away from them, always surrounding myself with the comforts of my friends. They were sometimes resentful. Often times, they would laugh at me, maybe, mostly because of my choice of friends. In hindsight, I can understand why. But I needed them (my friends) at the time. But no matter what happened, my family was always ready to take me back in with open arms.

Now I want to get away from having a group; a very close-knit circle of friends who, because of me, make my world so small. I want to jump from friend to friend; give everyone equal share of time and attention; tall order considering I've made a lot of friends in my time. I've met a lot of people whom I like and admire and I want to build real strong relationships with all of them. But no more circles, no more groups, no more barkadas. Just friends.

In doing so, I've re-discovered my family. Now, we really talk and communicate. I've even begun texting my family members in Bacolod a little more often now than I used to. Christmas was very powerful for me because I really got to be with them again -- surround myself in their unconditional love and to give my love so openly without fear of rejection.

I gave my time completely to them and I didn't even get to see any of my friends from Bacolod. My family comes first and I'm proud of that. It is sort of a tradition, a sort of legacy, I guess that my father left to us. Family first. I see that now with much more clarity than I used to. And it's great to be with them; I'm still the youngest and I will always get that sort of treatment, but with it comes respect. I'm an adult now and they respect that as well.

My brother and I talked and talked for hours. We were talking about him and us and the things we enjoy doing together. We planned trips for us with little Eve, the next generation to follow and I'm happy that I'm a part of it. We talked about Bacolod and our holiday there. We talked about the games we used to play and we plan to play again. But for me, it was more than that. We were saying something but, obliquely, we were talking about something else. We were telling each other that no matter what happens, we will always take care of each other. More than the expected love that you give and receive from family; we are glad that we have helped shaped each other, by being family, to become people we can easily love and respect.

My brother loves me, not just because I'm his brother but because I've become someone he can admire and respect and the same goes for him. And we also understand that we both had something to do with that. Our experiences with each other and our own personal experiences have made all this possible. And this goes with all of us.

I can count my blessings over and over -- gaining the confidence to do what I want, having spent new year's in Boracay with amazingly wonderful people, becoming whole as a person and being able to recognise what I want. It goes on and on. But truth is, always on the top of my list is my family. That's one blessing that I have no idea how to repay God for.

posted by wanggo @ 5:30 PM